$27.40

Strange title for a blog post, right? It comes from a graphic that Joshua Becker shared on Facebook last year, and again not that long ago. That's the daily spend amount that it takes to waste (or save) $10,000 in a year. Let that sink in for a minute.

Photo by Michael Longmire on Unsplash

Now, I'm sure some of you would argue that you don't have $27.40 to throw away on miscellaneous spending every day, and I get that. I don't typically spend that in a day either, but also keep in mind that number is an average. So let's take a look at a few of the ways that this can add up, and I'll use our family as an example.

• If we take our family of seven for take-out Japanese it costs us around $75. Let's say I do that once a month—that's $900 a year. 
• If you've got kids in sports, like we do, the monthly fees can quickly add up. Let's say you spend $400 a month on lessons and gear for two or more kids—that's $4,800 a year.
• You know I like my Starbucks stops. They're like a mini-vacation in a cup on stressful days. But at an average of $5 a pop, estimating a conservative four times a month, buying for only one person—that's $240 a year.
• The kids have done really well at school, so that calls for a celebration and a stop by our local pay-by-the-ounce ice cream shop. Cha-ching! Since we don't usually take the Hubs as he's at work, and I limit the kids to three toppings each, we can typically get out of there for around $25-30. But if we go 5-6 times a year—that's $180 a year.

You can probably see where I'm going with this. Before you know it, you're well over half-way to that $10k point, and that's not counting the stops to pick up something you "need" at TJ Maxx, or the sale you hit on clothes for the kids at Old Navy, or Christmas or any of the birthday gifts required by all those classroom invitations (a definitely bonus of homeschooling - no more class parties!). You and I might not spend $27.40 a day, but I bet if we stopped and begin counting up all the big and little expenditures, we'd be surprised at how quickly they add up, just like my examples above.

Compared to many, I would consider myself a frugal person. For over two decades, I've packed lunch for the Hubs, we've cut each others hair (and now our kids), made coffee at home (most days), shopped sales and used coupons, saved and repurposed. We don't pay for cable or Netflix, we almost never go to movies - even before COVID, and we don't take vacations. If you asked some of the kids, they'd say we're downright Scroogy! 

But the fact of the matter is, when my 1099 arrived last year from my largest client, I was shocked to see the amount and spent some time wondering where it all went last year. Yes, we were paying for private school at the time, so that took a large chunk, and yes, we paid cash for a vehicle that then needed a lot of TLC (read: parts) to get it up to speed. But despite these, and other big expenditures that happened, as I thought back over the year, I knew that my $27.40 days were definitely involved. 

So in the midst of this "no spend" month, I'm calling myself out for it. It's time to tighten the belt, not just this month, but every month. And when splurges do happen—and they will—that $27.40 needs to be in cash. Not only is this more painful for me, but it's a good visual for the kids, who often have a difficult time grasping the concept that when a card comes out, so does money. The habit of splurging has definitely shown itself already, as I've had kids light up and say, "Oh, can we get 5 Guys for dinn..." and then remember, "oh, no. It's February." Maybe if they saw me whipping out four $20 bills each time we stopped for a "quick bite" it might impact them more than a square of plastic. It's something I'm considering...for March. 😉

What about YOU? Cash or card?

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What makes up your $5, $15, or $27.40 splurges?

Creature Comforts

I love winter. I suspect I may be one of the few people out there who truly feel this way, and it's not because I'm a huge outdoor enthusiast who lives for a week of skiing in the mountains. In fact, I've never been skiing, and have no desire to go. But I am an enthusiast of cozy. Snuggle-friendly blankets, hot mugs of tea, coffee, or cider, comfortable sweaters, early evenings, the glow of candles and the warmth of a fireplace (when you can find one), and - the obvious - a good book. These are my happy place, these are what make me sigh contentedly and think, in the words of Louis Armstrong, What a wonderful world...  

Photo by Joanna Kosinska on Unsplash

However, I've been through periods of my life when no amount of blankets or cups of tea would have brought a smile to my face. The world - my world - felt too dark. But in that darkness, I found the only Comfort that truly matters, and that was the love of my Savior, and His promise to never leave me or forsake me. And when I began to come out of the haze, I remember one of the first things I found enjoyment in again was warming up my tea pot and pouring myself a cup of tea. And I was grateful. Grateful for God's promises and His work in my life, even in the darkest of days. 

I've said it before, joining my voice to a chorus of others, that 2020 was a difficult year that seems to have rolled right over into 2021. But as in any bad situation, there's always something to be thankful for (consider Betsie Ten Boom giving thanks for fleas!), and in the last 12 months, I have learned to be thankful for a slower pace of life, and the little things that bring a smile to my face - such as the Advent calendar of tea that I purchased for the Hubs and I to enjoy during the holidays, or the fuzzy blanket that kept us warm while we battled off a bug. 

So in no particular order, here are a few of the "creature comforts" that have kept me smiling over the last year, and might be of interest to you as we head into the next year of unknown. 

• Scented candles - I always have one burning in our room, or at my desk where I'm working on school stuff for the kids. A recent favorite was the French Baguette candle from Bath & Body Works that smelled exactly like freshly baked bread. Sadly, it is no longer available, but I'd be tempted to give this one a shot if given the chance. 
• Meals in the InstaPot, CrockPot, and rice cooker - With so much time at home, I quickly moved through our repertoire of recipes that most of the family could agree on, so I turned to Google to help me out. Two of our new go-to meals came about as a result of those searches: Easy Slow Cooker Creamy Chicken Chili (we leave out the corn), and Hearty Sausage 'n' Beans (with a couple of ingredient tweaks, and I toss it all in the rice cooker, making it even easier).
• Mood lighting - This past Christmas, I found myself with a short strand of small, clear, LED lights without a purpose. I was about to toss them back in the box when I realized I could wrap them around our headboard. When the holidays were over, I decided the cozy factor was too good to give up, and since they were white, they worked as a year-round addition.

• The Goodreads app - which reminded me that even though it felt like I was spinning my wheels, I was still making progress on one of my 2020 goals.
• Faux fur throw - While browsing around our local TJ Maxx, I pick up one that was similar to the one seen here. Although not typically my style, I love the way it feels and the fact that it's just a bit heavier than a normal blanket. 
• YouTube jazz - whether I'm trying to focus on editing work, or chilling out after all the kids are in their rooms for the night, I love the seasonal jazz channels on YouTube. Check out the Cafe Music BGM Channel for a variety of options, including Rainy Day jazz (one of my favorites).
• Le Creuset Stoneware Tea Mug - this was on my Christmas wish list and my sweet Hubs went for it. I didn't expect for this mug to take the place of my previous favorite (from the Unemployed Philosopher's Guild), but I love the heft of it, the way my hands fit perfectly around it, and its ability to hold heat. 

These are just a few of the creature comforts that have made the last year (and specifically this winter) a little more cozy and fun. It doesn't include the variety of teas that I've picked up and enjoyed from TJ Maxx, Fresh Market, and even Kroger. It also leaves out the baked good that my mother had been dropping off for the last year, or the bag of international snacks that I keep in our room, for those late night catch-up sessions with the Hubs. It doesn't mention the spring days spent laying in our outdoor hammock with a good book, or the sound of the kids playing in the cheap above-ground pool held together with Gorilla Glue tape, but those things also make me smile and whisper, "Thank You, God." It truly is a wonderful world...   

What would you add to this list? 

What makes you smile, brings a sense of warmth to your life (or toes), and helps keep the doldrums away? Leave a note in the comments, because I'd love to hear about it!

Today's The Day

What have you been putting off doing? Procrastination is a universal habit, you know. It doesn't matter what your culture, country, political affiliation, or views on religion, because there's always something that you can put off until tomorrow...and usually do. For me, it's been dealing with our spending habits. And more specifically, my spending habits. But for the next 28 days, I'm forcing myself to focus on where the money goes and pay attention to how often I find myself on Amazon, ready to hit the "buy now" button. 

Photo by rupixen.com on Unsplash

Let me be clear, we have money in the bank, never carry a credit card balance, our cars are paid for, and we're actively paying off our home mortgage ahead of schedule, so I'm not doing this because I need to dig my way out of a financial pit. I'm doing it because I know I could do better. I know how easy that Amazon app is when something comes to mind that we need. And sometimes it is a need - most recently it was socks for one of the kids, because the ones she has are literally two sizes too small - but not always. Books are my nemesis, and the offer of free credit for Kindle purchases can be quite appealing. Come on, Bookworms, you know exactly what I'm talking about! 

I also know how easy it is to find an excuse to pick up dinner on the way home. I forgot to thaw the meat...I forgot to put something in the Crock-Pot...I don't feel like making dinner tonight...we're in town anyway, so I'm just going to pick up something from our favorite Thai spot... you get the idea. When it was just the two of us, those meals out were a little more excusable...and less expensive. But with a family of seven, most of whom are still actively growing and therefore hungry, a dinner out (even takeout) can be upwards of $80 or more. That's nothing to sneeze at! 

As I mentioned in my post last week, I made the decision not to give up my Starbucks stops this month...but I'm even reconsidering that as I think about those $5 and $10 stop-offs and how quickly they add up. My Starbucks card is on automatic reload, which makes it so easy to stop by and not think about the dollar amount racking up. For one month, couldn't I plan ahead and bring my hot tea or coffee with me from home while I'm sitting in the car, waiting on kids, reading a book from the stack? Lest you think I'm a Starbucks junkie who is there every day, we're talking maybe once a week...but once a week would add up to $20-30 a month, or more, depending on whether I was just buying for myself or if I decided to treat the kids to a hot chocolate or our oldest to her favorite beverage or grab a coffee for the Hubs, just because. 

But it's not just about money. As I said in the beginning, procrastination is universal. I have several habits that I'm trying to solidify at the moment, that really require nothing more than self-discipline and the determination not to give up. From faithfully using the lotions and potions for the rosacea that I'd given up doing anything about, to refusing to allow myself access to the computer until my quiet time with the Lord is done (and not rushed), and even to getting back into the habit of blogging, I'm finding that it's all about not allowing myself to make excuses. If I want something to happen, then I just need to do it. And so do you. 

So today's the day. It's time to start doing whatever it is that you've been putting off, whether it's related to money or weight loss or some other discipline. Come along with me for the next month and let's see what we can accomplish together!  

The "No Spend" Month

2020 changed my perspective—much like it did for many of us, I'm sure—about what matters. Stuff might make us temporarily happy, especially in a year when it felt like everything else was taken away (opportunities to go places, eat at our favorite restaurants, even the ability to see our families), but it doesn't last. And then when the high is over, you're just drowning in stuff. There's a reason why Amazon stock is soaring, and our USPS and UPS drivers are drowning in boxes. Money can't buy experiences anymore, so it's buying us the next best thing—fleeting happiness in an Amazon box, arriving tomorrow (thanks, Amazon Prime).

Photo by Blogging Guide on Unsplash

But 2021 is a new year, and I've decided that it's time to set some new goals. As I was reading through The Little Book of Lykke, I noticed that the author mentioned The No Spend Year by Michelle McGagh. I remembered watching her TEDx talk a while ago, but hadn't thought about it since then. So when I suddenly saw her name pop up in the book, it triggered a little idea in my head, which has been growing ever since. 

In addition to continuing the push to purge the house (or simply USE UP what we already have) thanks to my stint following the Uncluttered Course, and then creating a usable organization system for what remains (I'm homeschooling four kids, so I have to have a system for their school work, like it or not), I'm now planning to try out a NO SPEND month. I'm not ready to commit to a year, but I think a month is doable...and perhaps the shortest month of the year would be a good one to start on, just in case I get crazy and decided to try this again later.

With this in mind, my goal for what remains of January is to make sure we have anything we might need (because my kids never tell me they are out of any toiletry item until it's completely gone, so I always keep a stash on hand for those 9 PM panic moments), and then for the month of February, I'm publicly committing to spend nothing except for regular household bills, car-related expenses, and food/groceries. The hubs has even suggested the idea of no takeout during the month, which will be a little more challenging on those days when I don't have anything planned and there are seven hungry people to feed, but would definitely help the budget. I might even take a break from Starbucks, but then again, that might be pushing it a little too far for the first round. 😏

I want to not only own less, but I want to prove to myself that I don't need to replace it either...for myself OR for my kids. If one of the kids needs something during the month of February (clothing or shoes...I don't see either of those on the horizon, but they're growing like weeds, so you never know!), I'll put it on a list and deal with it, responsibly, in March. Here goes nothing!

Interested in joining me on this crazy venture?

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Leave a note in the comments!

Let's Talk About Compromise...

In this year of the unknown, I've set several smaller goals to focus on: personal, physical, and spiritual. In addition to reading the stack, I'm choosing to make healthier eating choices and pay closer attention to my compromises with the world, the little things that slowly erode the foundation over time. Compromise is the common denominator among these three—the choice to waste time online or make progress in my stack of books, to indulge my craving for sweets or drink another glass of water, to actively obey God's commands rather than following after what the world says is okay. It all comes down to choices.

Photo by Nathan Boadle on Unsplash

Choices. We make them every day. I've been a Christian for most of my life, and in that time I have knowingly turned a blind eye on a lot. Whether it was towards my sexual purity as a teenager or my mental purity in what films and television shows I watched as an adult, I have not always walked the paths of the Lord, or considered His counsel. I have been judgmental when I should have been introspective and contrite. I have sought to follow Christ...while keeping a foot (or feet!) firmly planted in the world. 

About a decade ago now, God started convicting me in many of these areas, and change began to take place, despite my protestations that "it wasn't really that bad!" I recall the time when I loaned our complete set of James Bond films to a young man, later regretting our choice as we thought about what he would be seeing—hardly edifying for a young, single, male with intentions of remaining sexually pure until marriage. For that matter, when the Hubs and I watched 007, we excused the language and violence, but most importantly, we excused the flagrant sex with multiple partners and Bond's self-indulgent usage of women, because as as a married couple, "it didn't bother us." Oh how blinded we were! 

Over time, I've realized that things that I enjoyed for the first 30+ years of my life—movies, music, even some books—now hold little interest, and things that I found humorous no longer make me laugh, as I consider the ways in which they contradict what God declares to be holy and good. And yet, despite the growth, including purging our extensive film and television DVD collection, the little compromises have continued. Sure, we traded in our 007 adventures for credit at a local shop, and we purged most of the movies where they misused the Lord's name, but there were still the odd few that we just couldn't bring ourselves to ditch. 

Little compromise by little compromise, the world and it's point of view sneaked into my daily life. During the holidays I noticed it in many of the Christmas songs that I've always enjoyed and sung along to, even classics like, "Baby It's Cold Outside." It first caught my attention when I heard the kids singing along, and I started thinking about the words of the song and what it was advocating. I have four girls. Do I really want them thinking, even subconsciously, that letting a man talk them into doing something they know is wrong, is actually okay, just because it's cold outside and he's a smooth talker? There will always be excuses beyond weather, but is this what I want them to listen to and accept as normal? I have a son as well. Are these the kinds of ideas I want him to go into his teenage years with, that to sweet talk a girl into compromising on her integrity is a cool thing?

You may be sitting there thinking, "Come on, Carrie. Really? It's just a song! Don't put too much focus on it!" But that's the point, and that's where God has really been leaning on me in the last few weeks - that one compromise leads to another. It's all the little things, the seemingly harmless bits, that sneak in the quickest and take root in our hearts and minds. Titus 2:12 reminds us that the grace of God, through His offer of salvation, "teaches us to say 'No' to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age." If we want to live and look like Christ, then we must first pay attention to the little compromises that we make without even thinking.

Food for Thought:

Do you have "little compromises" in your life that need to be squashed?

It's Up to Us

I shared this on my personal Facebook account yesterday, but thought it was just as applicable to share here, today, as a reminder to us all that we can make a positive impact in our own part of the world, no matter what the politicians do or don't do, or how history books look back on this day in the future.

I think today's going to be historic, for a number of reasons, not all good. I don't talk politics on Facebook, but if I told you who I voted for, I bet I would lose half of my Facebook connections. And yet, here's the irony...the same half that I would lose often comment on my posts, bring joy to my day with their family photos, and have interacted with me in person at some point of my life and we've all gotten along...somehow. 

Friends...it's not about who you voted for on your (private) ballot...it's about how you live your life and treat your neighbor, co-worker, the young teen bagging your groceries, the purple-haired guy/gal handing you your coffee, the little old lady in front of you who's writing a check when you're in a hurry...or the people you know online. I don't care if you voted for the other guy (whichever "other" guy that was, because my vote is still private, last time I checked), I care how you treat others...how you treat me. If who a person voted for makes a difference in how we view them, then the problem really isn't in the vote, is it? 

A couple of months ago I was having a conversation with a gal I've known for a number of years, and she said that God had been changing her to see that only two things mattered in life: Love God, Love People. That really stuck with me, because it's basically Mark 12:28-31, simplified. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind, and love your neighbor as yourself. The greatest commandments. 

I am thankful that even though I've failed at both of those things in the past, 2021 is a new year, and God has given me another opportunity to put both of these into practice. It's going to be a challenge, no doubt, because I don't see 2021 getting any easier, but if I can make a difference in my little corner of the world...then I think it will be worthwhile. 

Forgive the picture...it's harder than I thought to make a heart with your hands...it looked good from my side (hmmm...funny, just like our opinions).

What's in a Word?

Maybe it's because it's January, with it's cold, drizzly days, and frosty winter mornings, but I have been in a particularly cozy mood. A mood which led me to download The Little Book of Hygge by Mike Wiking on my Kindle reading app, and see what all of this hygge (which you apparently pronouce something like "huuga," but which I continue to hear in my head as "higee") business was all about. In a nutshell, it's the coziness factor. Think candles, warm lights, fuzzy blankets, good friends, comfort food...you get the idea. These are all things that I already liked, but would have referred to as "cozy" instead, things that provided feelings of contentment and warmth. It's that sense that you get when your ice cold toes suddenly blaze with warmth while snuggled under layers of blankets and comforters. This is hygge.

Photo by Alex on Unsplash

It sounded all well and good, and whatever you wanted to call it, I saw nothing in the book that raised an eyebrow. But then I listened to an interview with the author, in which he said something that made me stop in my tracks and wonder if a Christian really had any right to get behind this particular word or idea. While explaining that over indulgence in decadent desserts, candies, hot chocolate, and alcohol was a facet of hygge, he mentioned that some might say that hygge is about "sinful pleasures." Woah. Say what? 

Let me be clear, I see absolutely nothing sinful in a warm blanket, in a cup of hot cocoa, or in enjoying the companionship of like-minded people, but when it becomes an idol...watch out. According to Wiking, hygge is not only a word that is unique to the Danish people, but it is incorporated into everything - the way you feel about a setting, the types of food you enjoy, and the people you choose to hang out with. Wiking even says that hygge is to the Danes what freedom is to Americans. And that is the danger point, isn't it? Because I know what the idea of freedom can be to Americans, and I know that it can quickly become an idol, just like safety or money or yes, even comfort.   

In Isaiah chapter 2, we see that God will not give up His worship to anyone or anything. He alone is worthy of praise, and He alone is worthy of our worship. If we want to walk in the light of the Lord (Is. 2:5), then we need to set aside anything in our lives that takes the place of Him. "The arrogance of man will be brought low, and the pride of men humbled; the LORD alone will be exalted in that day, and the idols will totally disappear." (Is. 2:17-18) When I began reading The Little Book of Hygge, the ideas seemed innocent, even good for supporting mental and emotional health, but the author's comment during his interview, tossed aside as if it was nothing at all, showed me that there was something deeper to this. And it wasn't necessarily something I wanted to embrace, as a Believer. 

It's the heart attitude that "sinful pleasures" are okay if it makes you feel good, that is the issue for me. In 1 Peter 1:14-16, the Lord is quite clear in what He expects from us, "As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as He who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: 'Be holy, because I am holy.'" Can blankets be holy, or good smelling candles, or that slice of caramel apple cheesecake that you've been saving for later? No, but neither does it make them bad, in and of themselves. They are still just things, after all. God is looking for His people to seek Him in all things, and to find joy in His creation - but because they see Him in it, not because they worship the created things themselves. However, if hurting and broken people can find tangible warmth and comfort in our home, then those fuzzy blankets and good meals suddenly have a much bigger purpose than just a passing sense of hygge. They are a part of our worship, becoming a tool for contributing to the needs of the saints and practicing hospitality (Romans 12:13).

Is it really as small as the nuance of a word (hygge vs. coziness), or is it something much deeper, that allows us to see a larger purpose in our candles, blankets, and large pots of chili? Am I hoarding blankets because they make me happy and warm, providing a sense of hygge, or am I willing to share them because I want those the Lord brings our way to find physical comfort, a listening ear, and words of Biblical encouragement? I know, I know...we're talking about a blanket, a hot drink, a silly candle, but even the smallest of items in our possession must be viewed as a tool for the Lord to use, and not merely a temporary earthly comfort, to be held for ourselves alone. What makes hygge - or anything totally focused on self - wrong for a Believer is the idea that it's all about us. John 3:30 is a continual reminder to me that Christ must become greater, and my selfish desires must become less. If being comfortable and cozy is more important to my happiness than breaking out of my comfort zone and obeying God, then we can begin to see where the problem lies. 

By all means, enjoy the cup of tea...while reading God's Word. Snuggle down in a fuzzy blanket...while chatting with a friend online about what God has been teaching you. Splurge on the slice of cake after your meal...but get a second fork for the friend who needs a listening ear (we can listen better with our mouths full, right?). Bottom line: It's not about the idea or even the application of it, but as Christians, it should be our goal to "live the remaining time in the flesh, no longer for human desires, but for God's will." (1 Peter 4:2)

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this!

Upside Down or Right Side Up?

Back when we were still in the paperwork portion of adopting our five, I was freaking out about all the changes that would be coming our way. One morning, after a particularly stress-filled week (or what I thought was stress at the time - HA!), as the Hubs was about to walk out the door, I remember looking at him and moaning, "I like my life the way it is, and they're going to turn our lives upside down!" At which point, as my patient better half grabbed his lunch box and prepared to head out the door, he stopped, looked at me, and quietly said, "Have you ever considered that God might be turning our lives right side up, instead?" 

Photo by Dawid Zawiła on Unsplash

Bottom line: it's all in how you look at it. 

Much like a sweater that this same sweet man got me off my Amazon Wish List this past Christmas. It was a last minute add, and I really didn't think he'd buy it, but when I opened it up on Christmas day I was pretty excited that he had, as I was feeling a bit under the weather and the sweater was a lot like wearing a blanket. In fact, when my parents dropped by a few days later, my dad (who was an Army flight surgeon in Vietnam) kindly informed me it looked like I was wearing an Army blanket. Fortunately, since wearing a blanket was exactly the look I was going for, that didn't bother me, nor stop me from sporting it on a regular basis. I liked it so much I even decided to add a couple more colors to my Wish List for 2021. Which is when I discovered that I'd been wearing the sweater upside down the whole time. 

In my defense, it must have been a common error, because Amazon had photos on their sales page for it, showing the "Right Way" and the "Wrong Way" to wear the sweater. The cute, envelope-like folds at the top of my sweater were, in actuality, supposed to be at the bottom of the sweater, and the section I assumed was the collar, was intended to end just over my derriere. Realizing my mistake, I removed the sweater, turned it around, put it on...and hated it. The part I formerly assumed was a collar drew undue attention to my backside, and I missed the little flaps at the top, so back around it went. Because sometimes, as Bob Ross used to say, it's a happy little accident. 

As I was thinking about this sweater and discovering my happy little accident, the U.S. Capital was in turmoil. My connections on Facebook were evenly divided between the Union and the Confederacy 🙈 the those who, four years ago, thought the world was ending and were now calling out the "rich, entitled, whites," and the ones crying foul, declaring conspiracies, and closing their Facebook accounts. Both sides egged on by the media, I might add. I unfollowed a few people, just for my own sanity, and then decided to turn my focus on the One who ultimately wins. Because my hope isn't in a political party or a President, but rather in King Jesus. Whatever happens in the next 4 weeks or 4 years or 40 years, I know I will find peace nowhere outside of Him. And neither will my friends on either side of the political spectrum. 

And since I happened to be wearing my upside down sweater, I was reminded of how many times things that seem like the end of the world as we know it—whether upending a comfortable life by adopting five kids, or trusting that God is still in control when your candidate didn't win—aren't, in fact, actually the end of the world. And looking back on the last four and a half years with the kids that were going to turn my world "upside down," but who actually turned things right side up, just as the Hubs suggested all those years ago, I find myself wondering, yet again, if this apparent tearing apart of our country, the line being drawn in the sand is, in fact, another right side up moment.

I guess it's all in how you look at it.   

Words of 2020

I've always been a "word of the year" type gal. When I wrote a new year goals post this past January, I talked about how I was looking forward to 2020 being the year when I challenged myself. How little did I know just how true that would turn out to be. Only I didn't challenge myself...the world challenged me.

Photo by Sincerely Media on Unsplash

As we come to the end of this year of change and turmoil, I decided to spend some time thinking about the words that actually summed up the year. In an interesting twist, I didn't expect there to be so many good words included in my list. 

Release - the release of busyness, of fear, of holding on to things that were no longer helpful or best for me or for our family. 

Community - this was a surprise to the introvert, but I discovered the importance of people, and the power of friendships - even when they are formed through WhatsApp chats.

Surrender - of my plans, my goals, my dreams, for myself, for the kids, for our world. While my inner control enthusiast was busy screaming, God was reminding me that He's in charge.

Strength - I discovered that, with God's help, I was stronger than I thought, and could do things that had previously felt impossible...like homeschooling five kids.

Togetherness - if you'd asked me last January if I would survive being with all five kids, 24/7, with no built in breaks while they are at school and I could work, I would have told you, "No way!" As it turns out, this forced time together has done wonders for our relationships, and I now view it as a gift...most days. ☺

But it wasn't all happiness, sunshine, and light. I mean, anyone who has gone through this year knows that 2020 threw more than its fair share of curve balls. So words like Grief, Tired, Change, Frustration, and Anger also made my list of words. But even in those seemingly negative responses, there was still growth and learning (another word of 2020), and I can now look back - even on those hard times - and find reasons to be thankful. 

If there was ever a year for keeping track of what I was thankful for, 2020 was the year. I suspect that in one year, five years, 10 years, I'll look back on Facebook memories from this season, and be reminded that it wasn't all bad. No year is, just as no year is all good. Every year has the potential to be challenging—maybe not on a global scale, as we saw over the last 12 months—and every year has the possibility of changing us. It's up to us whether we embrace that change, or expend our energy trying to keep everything the same. Which, spoiler alert, never works. 

What will 2021 hold? Only God knows! And I've just about decided that's the way I like it. Don't tell my inner control enthusiast, though...she'll freak out again. 😉

Finding Contentment

Yesterday I listened to a man talking about being content. In his example, he said that he would walk his neighborhood, praying and thanking God for different things, and as he walked home, he would come down the street and look at the back of his house, and start thinking about things that he would like to change. A bigger deck, some improvements to his landscaping, etc., right after he'd been thanking God for what he had. 

As I sat there, listening, I gulped a little bit. Or maybe a lot. And I started making a list of all the things that I was putting in the place of contentment. It was truly amazing how quickly I wrote down 8-10 things that I was actively seeking--from home additions to Starbucks stops to me-time--that had sneakily become things that were taking away from my contentment. 

If only I had...a day off from the responsibilities of parenthood, a caramel macchiato, a couple of extra rooms in the house, my own office, that sweater that I saw on sale...then things would be better. This stupid virus and the way it's impacting and changing everything wouldn't be so bad because I'd be content in my (bigger) house with (more) rooms for the kids to hang out in so that I would have (me) time to do other stuff and spread out a little while sipping coffee in my (new) office.

Do you see how easily the seeds of discontentment can sneak in? It sure hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday. And I hated it. I hated that I had become so dense to the changes in my outlook, and I hated that I had slipped into the mindset that anything (from more rooms to a coffee) would make me happier, kinder, or more grateful for what I've been given.

We ate a meal with some friends recently, and the wife apologized that our younger kids would need to use the smaller dessert plates for their meals because she only had one set of dishes, and not enough big plates to go around. I thought I had misheard her. Only one set? Really? Even with all of my clean out sessions and purges, I still have enough plates to feed 100 people at once. And, sadly, that may even be a low estimate. And then it struck me, as we were talking, that every time they had been to our house, I had used paper or plastic plates with them...because I didn't want to have to clean up afterwards. All those dishes...sitting in their cabinets and cupboards, and I'm using paper.

If I'm not grateful for what I already have...if I don't take care of what is already in my possession...if I'm not using my existing things...then why would more be better?

As I walked our block this morning, and looked at the back of our house, I listened to Philippians 4, and asked God to help me be content in Him. Content in everything, in plenty and in want. Content in the situation in which I currently find myself (homeschooling five kids - by choice), content at the desk in our bedroom, content with the Starbucks Via coffee that I can make at home for a lot less, content with the clothes in my closet. But not content to stay as I am, in the mindset I'm in, lacking the Fruits that I want from the Spirit.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go dig some dishes out of the cabinets...

All Evil, All The Time

I just shared this on my personal Facebook page, but I thought it was worth turning into a blog post as well, since I'm not friends with all of my readers. 

I'll be honest...I have remained quiet about everything that is going on, primarily because I don't believe the online world is the platform for debate. Nor do I think that "going black" on social media does anything more for the real, underlying issue (sin) other than make those who do it feel better. Yes, that is my opinion. BUT if you chose to do it, guess what? Everyone has their own opinions! 

I may disagree with you--and over the last few weeks, I've started to think I disagree with most of my connections on just about everything!--but I can still accept you as a person, made in the image of God. And that's the heart attitude I hope to convey in what I share below, and I hope that you read it in the manner in which it was intended. 

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

"Then the LORD saw that the wickedness of man was great upon the earth, and that every inclination of the thoughts of his heart was altogether evil all the time." {Genesis 6:5}

Red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in His sight. No, I'm not colorblind. Why would I want to be? I've lived all over the world and experienced cultures that are vastly different from my own, and the experience changed me. I currently live in a household where we range from pasty white to beautiful brown, and I couldn't imagine it any other way. I love the diversity of colors, shapes, and sizes that God created! No matter what the shade of melanin, each person is a human being, created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27).

"So God created mankind in his own image,
in the image of God he created them;
male and female he created them."

I am thankful that I was raised in a home where people of all skin tones were welcomed in the same way. I know that is not always the case. There is racism and there is prejudice, not just in the U.S., but all over the world. I've seen it when shopping with friends, when store clerks followed my darker-skinned friend but didn't give a second glance to me. I've seen it with our coffee-colored kids, when those same types of clerks come bustling up to them and say, "Can I help you with something?" and then turn red when I turn around and say, "No, thanks, we're just looking." Oh, the white woman is with them...that makes it okay. ☹ So yes, I know it exists...and far worse than what I have seen for myself.

It's prejudice and profiling...and if we were honest with ourselves, we all do it.

In my case, I know the groups of people who I look down on, and they are as pasty white as me, typically. It doesn't make it right, it just means that I am not immune to profiling and making assumptions about people.

Throughout history, we can see how race and religion, economic status, caste and tribe inequalities, even biological sex, has been used as an excuse for mankind doing unspeakable things to each other. Torture, enslavement, persecution, rape, and yes, murder, have been common themes throughout the ages and into present day, all across the globe. People like to say it's because of racism...and yes, I suppose that's one name for it, in some cases, but the bottom line is even simpler: SIN. And none of us are immune. We live in a fallen world, where mankind does horrific things to each other. But there is an Answer, and His name is Jesus.

He wasn't white with blond hair and blue eyes, he was Middle Eastern. He hung out with stinky fishermen and religious scholars, prostitutes and outcasts, women and children. He wasn't politically correct in His day, but He loved people. And so He surrendered to the will of His Father, and gave Himself up to die, taking our place, so that we would have a way to God. A way which didn't require our good works, but our total faith. He was--and is--the Way Maker. He didn't stay dead, and He will return again.

In the meantime, to my fellow Believers, remember that we are the reflection of His light here on earth. We are here to love the unlovable, stand up for the disenfranchised, and open our lives and homes to those who need a safe place and a listening ear. We are here to be truth tellers, in LOVE. We are here to be lights on a hill. I have failed at this many times up to this point, but God continues to work on me, convicting me that my life is not my own to do with as I want, but I belong to Him, and His call on my life has not changed.

The heart of man is desperately wicked (Jeremiah 17:9), but it doesn't have to stay that way. In Ezekiel 11:19-20, God says this about His people, the Israelites:

"And I will give them singleness of heart and put a new spirit within them; I will remove their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh, so that they may follow My statutes, keep My ordinances, and practice them. Then they will be My people, and I will be their God."

In the New Testament, Galatians 3:27 & 28 tells us:

"For all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus."

Our hearts do not have to remain hard, our prejudices can be broken when we allow God to break our hearts and see people, even those who do evil, as human beings--fallen--who are imprinted with the image of their Creator. He created them and He loves them, even if He abhors their actions, and sorrows over their rejection of Him. May we do the same. 

#BeLight

Habitual Goals

I've written plenty of posts about setting goals in the past. I've chosen words for the year...only to forget about them come March or April. I've picked specific things to work on....and then not followed through. I've blogged about my successes...and my failures. For several years in January, I've suggested that this will be the year that I finally start blogging again on a regular basis...and then that's the last you've heard of me.

So what am I doing this year? Why am I back, writing yet another January post with the word "goal" in the title? Well, grab a mug of something warm and pull up a chair. Let's chat!

First, let's talk about what worked in 2019. As I've shared on my Busy Nothings Facebook page, 2019 was the year that I consistently tracked my calories and walked for 20 minutes a day in my little "walking lot" around the corner from the kid's school. This was a success...right up until the week before Christmas, when the Hubs came down with the crud that kept him home all week, and derailed my walking schedule as I single-parented our five. This was followed by the Christmas break, then the crud taking me out for a week, and the usual post-holiday sludge as we all try to get back into the groove of work and school after time off. Needless to say, walking hasn't made it back onto my daily schedule yet in 2020, but it will.

Tracking my calories was also something I was super consistent about...right up until the holidays. I don't want to say that I gave up, as I was still very mindful about what I was eating and the days that I was eating more than I normally did, but I no longer tracked my meals as faithfully as I had been doing prior to the Christmas season. Like walking, it's something I intend to restart this month, but it didn't happen this week. 

With the change in schools for two of our girls, I ended up spending about 3 hours of my day in the car starting in August, which limited the amount of time I had free for paid work. However, what I discovered was that the outside limitations caused me to focus more during the time that I did have. I was even able to say "yes" to more flexible freelance work, create new opportunities for the future, and extend the range of my skill set.

Another thing that I focused on in 2019 was reading more. As I've done in years past, I used Goodreads to set my goal of 52 books, and track my progress. I consciously made choices to use the dead time in my day (sitting in car line, sitting at taekwondo, sitting at the doctor's office, waiting for dinner to cook, etc.) to work toward that goal, and by December 31, 2019, I'd read 59 books. Some of them were totally new-to-me books, others were comfort re-reads, and quite a number were children's books that I either read to the kids, or read to myself before I recommended them to the kids. Needless to say, my Goodreads shelf this year looked a little different than it did in 2012! 

One of the things I took away from 2019 was that it's good to have goals, but it's better to create habits. I've set goals before for weight loss or sticking to a diet, reading a certain number of books or focusing more on my work, but history shows that my lofty goals tend to end up lost somewhere around February. This last year I dropped the word "goal" from my planning and instead decided to make changes. Instead of setting a goal to walk 5 days a week, I drove the car to the parking lot - even on the days I didn't feel like it - and got out and walked 20 minutes, rain or shine. Eventually, turning left out of the kid's school, rather than right, became a habit. Setting my timer for 20 minutes and walking laps around the lot became a habit...and the weight that I wanted to lose, began to come off. 

I put a goal weight in my Lose It! app, but it was just something to aim for...my main priority was becoming healthy, and over the course of the year, my mindset changed to match my habits. Before, I would have stopped at Dunkin' Donuts or Starbucks without even thinking about it. Mindless calories, which went to my thighs and never crossed my mind when I wondered where the weight came from, because I "wasn't really eating that much." These days, before I eat anything, I consider whether it's worth it, whether I have room for the calories, and what I will say "no" to if I say "yes" to the food or drink before me. It's not a goal, it's a choice. It's an action.

So what will 2020 look like for me? Do I have goals for this year? Well, sure. I think it's perfectly natural to set goals, even if it's unconsciously. For example, I would still like to shed around ten more pounds, but if that doesn't happen I'm not going to wallow in guilt about it, because my main priority is to continue my habits of making wise choices about what goes in my mouth. With my shorter working days, there are weeks when work has to take precedence over walking, so if that means that there's a week when I only get out to the parking lot one day instead of four or five, I'm not going to beat myself up over that, because that's still 20 minutes of movement. It doesn't mean I've given up, it just means that I had to prioritize different things that week. Goals can be forgotten, but habits keep you coming back to them, even when you have an off week. 

It's a goal this year to read at least 52 books again. But it's become a habit to keep a book in my purse, and that habit is what allows me to actively work towards that goal...with very little effort at all. It's a goal to be a good steward of the time available to me for work. It's a habit to start my day by checking what's on my to do list and figuring out what needs more brain power (so earlier in the day tasks) and what takes less (later in the day tasks). It's a goal to pad our savings account so when those rainy day events happen, we're not scrambling to figure out how to pay for them. It's a habit to automatically transfer a set amount of money each month into that account, and then live within our means with what's left. 

Do you see where I'm going with this? Habits can be good or bad, but the way I'm looking at it this year is that the positive habits that I started developing in 2019 are just my goals in action. Goals are just words on paper, but habits only occur because you're actively doing something. 

Over the next 12 months I would like to see my work habits continue to develop, becoming more creative with the time that I have so that I will be able to do more (which, in turn, helps fund things like taekwondo, which means I will have that down time for reading to reach my goal...one positive habit affecting another). I've toyed with the idea of trying to run this year. I have a 9 year old who would love it if I would run with her, but I've never been a runner. It scares me. Maybe this is the year...or maybe I'll pull out my bike again and ride alongside her...or maybe she'll run while I walk. Whatever happens, I want 2020 to be the year I challenge myself more. What about you?

Hello There. It's Me.

When I logged on to my blogger account today, I was surprised to see that my last post was in February 2019. How is that even possible? Time flies.

For those of you who are friends with me on Facebook, you have basically been privy to my micro blogging all year long through my #iamthankful posts that I try to do every Monday - Friday. Whether I'm sharing about what God has been teaching me, showing my quirky side, or letting you in on what the kids are doing, it's become my easier way of blogging my thoughts, with the added bonus of becoming Facebook memories for me to look back on in later years. If we're not friends, I'm sorry that you've missed those posts. 

The fact of the matter is, my life continues to get busier by the day. Or so it seems. Since August, I've been driving an average of three hours a day, taking five kids to two different schools in another town. By the time I drop the last three off and occasionally get my 20 minutes of walking in, I have a maximum of 5 hours to tackle my freelance work, which is really more like 3 hours, after dealing with household chores, getting dinner in the Crock-Pot, and anything else that may need to happen. Throw a grocery shop in there, and we're looking at about 2 hours at home for work before it's time to jump back in the ol' SUV and hit the road to sit in car lines. 

Once I'm home with the five, it's time to oversee chores, homework (which intensifies every year), home schooling that we're doing to fill in the gaps (like reading and math), dinner, taekwondo (at least two nights a week), and anything else that might be on the calendar. And as I collapse in our room each night and stare at my husband and try (unsuccessfully) to come up with some kind of quality conversation that doesn't revolve around the children, I think, "I did this to myself." I make choices that keep me busy. 

I choose to post on Facebook each morning, which eats into the time that I have at home to work and do laundry. I choose to send my kids to two different private schools, located in another town. I choose to pay for taekwondo and cart them there and sit for an hour each time, because I think it's beneficial to their growth and development. I'm making it a priority to say yes to as much as possible - within reason - even when I'm feeling thin, stretched, like butter over too much bread.

And so, in this season of life, blogging has taken a back seat. If you follow my Busy Nothings page on Facebook, you'll probably have noticed that I'm not even posting there on a regular basis. I just don't have the time. And when you wake up one day and realize that nothing that you've written has changed the world, and no one is reading your blog posts, and you'll never be in that 1% of bloggers who become rich and famous and get a book deal, it rather takes the wind out of your blogging sails. Or at least it did mine. But...I'm not going away just yet. 

Before we adopted the kids, I always loved setting goals for the new year, and dreaming big about what I was going to do with this blog. Now, I'm just happy to have clean clothes and food on the table and money in the bank account to pay for things like taekwondo and the occasional ice cream outing. As for any deeper thoughts, I'll continue to share them on Facebook. I know that people read them there, and I know that, in my own little, non-book-deal sort of way, I am making a difference in my corner of the online world. And I'll continue to do that, until something else changes. 

Highlights of 2019...

⇨ I met and exceeded my Goodreads goal for the year - reading 58 books (so far), 6 more than my original goal of 52. 

• Favorite Book: World War I: A Very Peculiar History by Jim Pipe
• Favorite Children's Book: Escape from Mr. Lemoncello's Library by Chris Grabenstein
• Least Favorite Book: The Egypt Game by Zilpha Keatley Snyder

⇨ I did a pretty good job sticking to my walking and calorie-counting habits, and was able to shed around 15 lbs. over the last year (though I'm pretty sure I've put a few of those back on since Thanksgiving, with very little walking occurring and a whole lot of yummy goodness going in...back at BOTH in January!). If you do follow my Busy Nothings page, you might have seen my posts about my one year anniversary of walking and the way it improves my mental outlook when I prioritize that time. 

⇨ Although I was pretty quiet around here, I have blogged a number of times over on the Weaving Influence website (one of my freelance gigs) about book launches and personal values, among other things. One of my favorite posts was probably the one I did earlier this month, about the Icelandic tradition of Jolabokaflod.

⇨ Professionally, I was able to land two freelance writing gigs that helped pay for part of the kid's school fees. After 8 years of freelancing as a writer, editor, and book launch consultant, it's been nice to see some of that experience begin to pay off, and it's always a boost to know that the work I do helps in tangible ways.

I may not have been around here much in the last 10 months, but I've still been very much involved in the world - both online and off. Whether you see me around here or over on Facebook, I wish each of you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! May 2020 be a year of growth and learning for each and every one of us, as we learn more about who God created us to be. 

Never Give Up

Habits - whether it's blogging regularly (oops), keeping the kitchen clean, exercising daily, or something else - are only habits as long as you do them.

Christmas knocked me off my walking game, then there were cold, snowy days, cancelled school days, and days when I just didn't feel like doing it - so I didn't. But that doesn't mean I should give up! Yesterday it was sunny and warmer, so I walked. Today it was warmer but drizzling rain, so I grabbed the umbrella and walked! I still have about 10 lbs. that I'd like to lose, but if I want that to happen, I have to be consistent in my movement and eating habits. The weight doesn't just magically melt off (just as my kitchen doesn't magically clean itself, nor do my clothes jump in the washing machine and present themselves, folded KonMari-style, in my drawer) - it all takes WORK and SELF-DISCIPLINE.

Photo by Drew Beamer on Unsplash

Far too often we fall into the trap of thinking that what we want should come easily. Obedient kids should happen naturally rather than requiring consistent parenting and boundaries. Money should be in the savings account without needing to work more or buy less. Pants should feel looser without giving up Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Well, bad news for us - it all takes work. It all requires us to die to self in some way, setting aside preconceived notions, assumptions, and expectations. We have to be the parent, whether we feel like the adult or not. We have to set up the automatic transfer to savings and avoid Amazon if we want to see that balance grow. And we have to make a choice in what we eat and how we spend our time because there is no magic, side-affect-free pill to make us as skinny as we were twenty years ago.

It's time we learn how to avoid the "quick fix" mentality and develop our Fruits a little bit more (you know the ones: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control). When the kids get under my skin, I'm praying for more love and patience as I dive in to figure out what's going on with them that's causing them to act out. As we set financial goals for our year, I'm making the choice to avoid certain stores and shop grocery sales and leave my wants in the Amazon cart. And if I want to see that goal number on the scale, then I must choose to do more of what I did this morning, rain or shine.

Be Anxious for Nothing (The REST of the Story)

Last year I began to share my journey through anxiety and panic, but shut down when people lashed out because I chose a different path to deal with it. No matter how many caveats and disclaimers I added to the blog posts or social media shares, those who disagreed with me (yet didn't know me, or my situation) felt the need to put in their 18 cents and argue against my own personal experience. Honestly, I wished that I had never started talking about it at all. But as another year passed, and as God has continued to work on me, I realized that sharing what He has done for me - whether other people approve of the methods or not - is never a mistake. So for what it's worth, here's the rest of the story...

You may recall that my anxiety took me by surprise, having never experienced anything like it before. You may also remember that after meeting with my physician to make sure there wasn't anything physically wrong, I began taking steps towards recovery that included spending many hours in prayer, digging into God's Word, and - eventually - reading a whole bunch of A.W. Tozer. If you don't know who A.W. Tozer is, you can click here to read a short bio of his life, but for me it's not about Tozer - the great writer, but Tozer - the man who points people to God. God placed his work in my life at a time when I was unknowingly seeking a deeper relationship with Jesus, and his words led me down a path that I had been missing.

In November of 2014, the Hubs started saying to me, "I've been listening to this audio book that I got for free. It's by a guy named Tozer, and I think you might really like it." Now, the Hubs never recommends books to me, and in general we have different tastes in the types of literature that we read, so I ignored his suggestion. But he kept bringing it up (which was also unusual), until I finally gave in and ordered the paperback version of The Attributes of God (Vol. 1). As my panic worsened in December, I found myself unable to do most of the activities that I had always used to relax and escape from the stresses and pressures of life - watching (Christmas) movies, reading mysteries, scrolling through Pinterest. Even sitting in church became a nightmare! I found myself battling against full blown panic attacks while those around me belted out Christmas hymns, and I became an expert at bolting out the door as soon as the pastor closed his final prayer. Everything that had previously brought me pleasure now incited overwhelming fear. Everything, that is, except God's Word and Tozer's book. 

As we passed through the Christmas season, I spent my days curled up in a chair in our living room with my Bible, The Attributes of God, and a notebook. In general I am a fast reader, but it took me a month to read through The Attributes because I kept bursting into tears, overwhelmed by my small view of God. My prayer and gratitude journals during that time are filled with confessions of my own sense of control, my cry to God to be my stronghold, my lists of anxious thoughts and irrational fears.

What is it that makes you happy? What cheers you up and gives your morale a lift? Is it your job? Is it the fact that you have good clothes? Is it that you've married well or have a fine position? Just what is it that brings you joy? That's our trouble. We know that God is so vast that in comparison everything is just the size of a hazelnut. And yet we're not happy people because we've got our minds set on things. We multiply things, and we increase things and put our confidence in things and God. We have our job and God; we have our husband and God; we have our strong body and God; we have our good job and God; we have our home and God. We have our ambition for the future and God, and so we put God as a plus sign after something else. {A.W. Tozer - The Attributes of God, God's Immensity, pg. 28 & 29}

It was during this season that God stripped me of everything that I had unknowingly come to rely on instead of Him, the biggest shock coming when I realized that I had put my husband in the place of God in my life - which I confessed to my Father and asked the Hubs to forgive. As much as he wanted to help, in the midst of my panic attacks, my sweet husband could do nothing to comfort me. His embrace did not make me feel safe, his prayers did not calm my soul, his rational explanation of my physical response did nothing to alleviate my anxiety. When I saw my choice to look to him for my security rather than rely upon God, I was a sobbing, crumpled mess, begging God to forgive my pride and arrogance, my ignorance and foolishness, and to take His rightful place back at the core of my heart. And, my friends, He did. 

In His awesome faithfulness, He began to take my brokenness and remake me. It took time - months, in fact - but God allowed me to see the bigger picture. I stood in awe of His might and power, of His authority and His love. I realized that I had unwittingly put God in a small, convenient box of my own making, one that fit my view of Him. Of course He was God, and yes, He played a large role in my life, but I was still holding onto control of other segments. Or, rather, I held onto the illusion of control. As God did His work in me, I slowly realized that I controlled nothing at all. From something as simple as going out to dinner (and being paralyzed by fear in the parking lot) to relinquishing control on the adoption process that we were in the midst of, God reminded me that my job is to follow His lead, not to attempt to lead Him where I wanted to go. Letting go of control was hard - and can still be a challenge - but it was necessary to move to the next step of recovery.

It's been almost five years since my first panic attack, and I can't remember how long since my last one. Months, at least. On the rare occasion that panic comes for a visit, it usually happens when I have strayed away from fellowship with my Father. When the days are long and the busyness overwhelms the introverted me, when I've set my eyes on my own plans, looking inward rather than upward, then the squeeze of panic begins. Sometimes it manifests itself through unexpected tears (and I'm not a crier, so I hate this, of course!), sometimes it's just unexplained fear. But now I am armed with an arsenal of Scripture, a group of praying friends who are just a text away, and the knowledge that I can let go - must let go, in fact - so that God will increase in my life. Because when He increases, there is no room for the self-focus that drives fear. Yes, I did it without a counselor, yes, I did it without medication, but no, I did not do it at all - I surrendered because I could do nothing else, and God met me with open arms. 

I don't know your story - just as you really only have a limited understanding of mine - but I do know our God, and I know what He is fully capable of doing, as long as you are willing to let go and trust Him completely. What I learned as a result of my experience is that God is sufficient. He is, in fact, more than enough. It is not God who must become more powerful - He already is all-powerful - but I who must acknowledge His power. Fear and panic are not choices - I know this well enough after all the times when I tried to rationalize my way out of them - but surrendering to God in the midst of it, is. I'm thankful for the way God used A.W. Tozer's book on God's attributes to show me my limiting view of Him. I'm grateful for every moment of panic, every fear-filled day, and every gut-wrenching sob that I experienced, because without them, I would still be comfortable in my complacency. God can, and does, use the difficulties of this life to draw us back to where we can best see Him, and for that there are not enough words of thanks. 

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our heart by the Holy Spirit who He has given us. {Romans 5:2-5}

Chaotic Peace

It's been a long, busy week. I'm a mentally and physically drained introvert. I've got a long list of work-related items to knock out today, not to mention a full kitchen sink, messy counters, and the pile of Christmas lights that are still sitting on our bedroom floor because I just haven't managed to get them downstairs into their storage box. This is life. 

Life is messy, it's busy, it's filled with crazy chaos at times. While standing at the free (because our local martial arts studio loves parents!) coffee center at taekwondo last night, waiting to get a small cup of bean juice, I stepped out of character and started talking with the other mother who was getting coffee ahead of me. We laughed about the fact that we wake up in the mornings and our first thought is "how long until bedtime?" Every day this week has been hijacked by appointments (planned and unplanned), errands, and life. I am firmly convinced that God created coffee beans for parents. Step aside perky teenagers and college students...Mama needs her coffee! 

This morning over on Facebook, I've been staring at the blinking cursor after the words "January 18: #iamthankful..." for far too long, my mind drawing a blank. Sometimes it's hard to focus on gratitude in the middle of life...which is exactly why I practice the habit of intentional daily gratitude. One of our girls has put down, "thankful for the chips you packed in my lunch" every day this week for one of her 'thankful for' items. And while I want her to start thinking BEYOND food for her gratitude list, this week I have had to chuckle because sometimes the "bag of chips" is all you can think of -- and you truly are thankful for them!

On Wednesday morning, I was picking out bananas at the grocery store and looked up to see my childhood friend who tragically lost her husband one year ago (and gave birth to their son just hours before the funeral). She was picking out flowers and a balloon to place on his grave. I have watched her over the last year as she has worked through the grief of widowhood and the joy of being a new mom, sharing both the sense of loss and the wonder of new life through her Facebook posts and her blog. Seeing her in the store on the one year anniversary of her husband's death was a stark reminder to me not to take any of these crazy days for granted.

Last night, during all of our running around in the car, I told the kids that I was going to play the audio Bible that I'd been listening to. Although it was for me (and my sanity) and not specifically for them, as the narrator began to read out of 2 Thessalonians and then 1 Timothy, the car became calm and peaceful. As the last words of Paul to Timothy ebbed away, I heard my 7 year old son say quietly - from his seat in the very back of the car - "That was good." Yes, God's Words are always good. They are edifying and thought-provoking. They remind me that this life (and the chaos that often comes with it) are just temporary, and we are to make the most of every opportunity that we are given. Life is a vapor...live it for the Glory of God. And in everything, give thanks.