And yet, there is Hope. God isn't through with me yet. He's still working on my stinky attitude, my ability to come quickly to anger, and my lack of self-control. Thankfully I'm not in this alone.
I wrote down two reminders to carry with me at work. The first is found in Proverbs 17:27-28 (NLT):
A truly wise person uses few words;
a person with understanding is even-tempered.
Even fools are thought wise when they keep silent;
with their mouths shut, they seem intelligent.
The second reminder for me is an idea from James 1:19: QSS - we must be Quick to Listen, Slow to Speak, and Slow to Become Angry. There were many times towards the end of the week that I whispered to myself "QSS, Carrie - keep your mouth shut."
I have a B.S. degree in English, public relations, and journalism, but I am not working in any of those fields. In fact, I've never felt more incompetent in my life than I have in the last few weeks since taking this job. I deal with people who ask questions for which I don't know the answers. I feel like I'm constantly tugging at the sleeves of my co-workers saying, "How do I...?" The computer system gives me a headache. My slight OCD compels me to double-check certain jobs, which makes me slower which causes those above me to urge me to go faster. That's usually when I whisper, "QSS", because in my frustration with my lack of knowledge and feelings of inadequacy, my temper rises to the surface and I snap at people and say things that I regret as soon as they are out of my mouth.
In other words, I'm totally out of my element and God is using this time to teach me humbleness and humility and total reliance upon Him to get through each day. It's painful, but I know in the end it's a good thing for me. I had become far too selfish and self-assured and this job is a big ol' blow to the ego and a daily reminder that without Him, I can do nothing.