Enough.

One question. Three words. Two of them just one syllable. 

When the Aldi Finds post comes up on Instagram, and the first thing that comes to mind is, "Oohhh...I need to stop by there!" follow that thought up by asking yourself, "Is it necessary?" 

When the sale flyer lands in your inbox and you see your favorite store is taking an additional 40% off the clearance price, instead of clicking on the link, ask yourself, "Is it necessary?" 

This simple question goes along very nicely with others, such as...

• Do I really need it?
• Will my life be better if I have this?
• Could I use something I already own?
• What could I use the money for instead?

And my personal favorite...

Why did I not need it before I knew it existed? 

Photo by Tamanna Rumee on Unsplash

I'm currently reading How To Break Up With Fast Fashion: A guilt-free guide to changing the way you shop – for good, a book written by Lauren Bravo and published in January 2020. While much has changed in the world since its publication, including COVID, lockdowns, supply-chain issues, recessions, and $5 cartons of eggs, the idea of mindless buying or overbuying, has not. In fact, if anything, the 2020 pandemic made the problem worse, when we were all stuck inside, but Amazon was still delivering. And now that the financial status of the U.S., among other countries, is on the verge of insanity, it often feels that our only option for clothing our kids and ourselves are the cheaply made t-shirts and one-season pants offered by "fast fashion" vendors like Old Navy and Walmart. 

I get it. I have five kids. Although the eldest is out on her own and hasn't wanted me to buy her clothes in a few years due to a difference in style taste {ahem}, the other four are all still in their growth spurts and it feels like a never-ending cycle of buying fast fashion, because it's what we can afford, only to have it fall apart, wear out, or simply give up months, and sometimes weeks, after purchase.  

In 2020, I read Secondhand: Travels in the New Global Garage Sale by Adam Minter, which I found both fascinating and thought-provoking. After spending four years living and working in several developing nations (or, a little less P.C. - third-world countries), I wasn't entirely unaware of the situations described by Minter and Bravo in their respective books. When we lived in a small country in southern Africa, we commuted almost daily past a local garment factory where GAP and Levis jeans were made. In one Southeast Asian country, down a bumpy dirt road, I found beautiful pottery bowls in a store, stamped with the official emblem of Williams & Sonoma, and was told they were made in a factory not far away. And yet in each case, a new pair of GAP jeans or a set of mixing bowls would cost more to buy than the worker who made them would make in a month? Two months? Six months? It was, and is, sobering. 

And so, I ask again, is it necessary? Or do I, in fact, have enough? These are the questions I'm pondering and have been for quite some time. And of the things I have, how much do I donate (and thus contribute even more to the "global garage sale") and how much do I keep in the hopes that I can repurpose it? I'm not an environmentalist, and I don't think we can save the planet (I mean, Revelation is a bit of a spoiler alert on that idea), but I do believe that God has entrusted us with this creation of His, and we are to be good caretakers and stewards of the resources He gives us. And beyond that, and even more importantly, we are to love the people in this world, as He does. Am I loving them well by sending them my junk or supporting the working environments I've both observed and read about, by buying fast fashion? I don't think I am. 

This is not the end of the conversation, but it is the beginning. I'm still pondering, still reading, still learning. January 2023 was a month of changing habits and beginning a journey of becoming a better steward of many things, including my body (what I eat and how I treat it), my time (what I spend it on), my money and resources, and now, apparently, my closet. I don't know where this will end, but I suspect that ENOUGH just became my word of the year. 

Two Pound Goals

This might sound a little weird to some, but while running errands recently, it suddenly hit me that it felt like I was walking around in someone else's body. For the first 30 years of my life, I was on the slim side of the scale, but the last decade has been a rollercoaster of weight loss and weight gain, each time creeping a bit higher. 

Photo by Samuel Ramos on Unsplash

COVID was unkind to all of us, but it also led to some undesirable side effects, such as a more sedentary lifestyle, emotional snacking, and subsequent weight gain. Hitting 40 during that time period didn't help either. I've tried intermittent fasting, nightly walking, and calorie counting, but not consistently, and as a result the pounds continued to pack on. 

Winter means bundling up in layers and digging out coats and gloves. The clothes that I've always had and felt comfortable in because they hid more...no longer hide it. Trousers are tight, coat sleeves feel constricting, and you can forget all about zipping up any of my old wool skirts. Not happening. Even my boots no longer fit, thanks to weight gain in my calves. I mean, really? REALLY?? Let's just add insult to injury. 

And yet I can't seem to stop myself when it comes to sugary sweets. Buttered popcorn-flavored jellybeans from my kids for my birthday? GONE in a week. Late night cheese and cracker snacks, grabbing one or two of the fudge squares on the kitchen counter, and did I mention I broke out the ol' bread machine again? Danger, Will Robinson! I am aware that the biggest roadblock to my weight loss is me. I love food. I love the foods that for 30 years I could eat with relatively few consequences. I mean, bringing home a yummy snack for the Hubs and me to enjoy after the kids are in bed seems like a fair exchange for being grounded as parents. But I don't like the tradeoff. 

While driving around in my car, I could feel the roll over my seatbelt. I could feel the way my gorgeous green wool coat was tight across my arms and chest. I was aware of the fact that just before getting in the car I had consumed a rather large handful of the Tootsie Rolls that the kids had included with my birthday jellybeans. And I knew that making choices like that was what led to me feeling like a stranger in my own body. 

I've passed the magic 40 mark...I know it doesn't get easier from here. And I also know that if I don't start making some changes in my eating and exercise habits, next year at this time I'm going to be sitting here...weighing 20 lbs. more than I do now. And I'm not okay with that. 

So when thinking about my "small victories" for 2023, I decided to aim low. Rather than saying, "I want to do what it takes to lose 40 lbs. in 2023," I'm focusing on just 2 pounds a month. That's 1/2 a pound a week. A tiny little 0.5 on the scale that I so carefully avoid in our closet. It's the difference between eating one Tootsie Roll and eating 20 of them. It's focusing on moderation rather than deprivation. It means asking the Hubs to put in an electrical outlet for the treadmill that was recently relocated...and then actually using it again. Learning to apply self-discipline and not just preach it. Ouch. 

January is coming. Goals are being set. But February is also coming. Goals are being excused and abandoned. And March is right around the corner, along with all those regrets over failed resolutions. Which is why I want to focus on the small victories this year. At this point in my life, I would be absolutely thrilled if I lost 2 lbs. in January and kept them off. I'd be over the moon if, by the end of February, I was consistently down 4 lbs. And 6 lbs. by March? Yes, please! So small goals and small victories in 2023. Who's with me?

Simplifying the Holidays

Feeling overwhelmed by the holidays? Wondering, like Linus, if Christmas is too commercial? 

Welcome to the club.

My pillow (in the background of the photo) says it in many languages...it's Christmas. In December 2019, just prior to COVID taking over the world and forcing us to a sudden stop, I wrote a note to myself. I just stumbled across it again and felt that it was worth sharing with a larger audience because three years later, it still resonated with me. Oh, the stresses are different (homeschooling vs. finding teacher gifts), but the sentiment is still the same. And the reminder...every bit as pertinent. May you find encouragement in what you read below, and take heart...the Reason we celebrate is greater than the chaos of this world! 

This image is the personal property of C.G. Koens and may not be used without permission.

I'm usually super prepared, with everything wrapped and ready to go at the beginning of November. But this year everything's sneaking up on me...teacher gifts (I have them all, just not wrapped, and as to WHEN they'll be delivered...well...that's anybody's guess!), last week of school events ("Mom, are you bringing anything to...?"), gift card exchanges (Wait, what? WHY?), work projects (right, that's due right after Christmas, and I'm not working that week, so I need to turn it in this week, so...), bills (oops, look what got buried on my desk!), and now a feverish hubby (he's actually used 2 sick days - highly unusual for him) who's also out of commission for parenting, which makes me realize just how much I rely on him to help me juggle things when he comes home after work. And then last night, when the 8-year-old came in and said he felt "exhausted" and didn't balk when I suggested he go put on his pajamas and go to bed at 5 p.m., I knew another one was down for the count. I told the girls this morning that none of them were allowed to get whatever bug this is, and that you had to have a "Y" chromosome to pick it up. We'll see how well that works.

At any rate, after dinner and getting everyone in bed, and checking on the two sickies, I plopped on the couch for a moment and appreciated my new birthday shoes (courtesy of my amazing Hubs, who knows me so well) and the Christmas tree and a moment to be still.

I've seen a number of posts this year from people who are feeling overwhelmed, over-committed, and unprepared. I'm sure Mary felt the same way...but NOT for the same reasons. 

Although I thought I'd intentionally slowed down this year, I find myself feeling like I've been wound too tightly. I just discovered a bag of fun Christmas goodies that I bought because I wanted to be intentional and make some fun memories with the kids...but it was hidden under all the STUFF I need to deal with. Life IS busy, especially with five kids, but last night made me realize I don't want to miss WHY we are celebrating. Don't get me wrong...I love the tree and the lights. I love the music and the food (a little too much on the latter!). I love hunting down gifts that will make the recipients squeal. But in the end, the Grinch was right...it's not about the tinsel and trappings, and it doesn't come from a store.

Two thousand years ago (give or take a few years), a teenage girl said, "I am the Lord's servant," in response to a message that would make her a cultural outcast, potentially end her engagement to a good man, and change the course of her life forever. I am thankful for her example, that she responded in this way and opened her life up in obedience to God's calling, no matter how crazy it sounded to her family and friends. I know a tiny bit about what that feels like (believe it or not, some people thought we were a little nuts for adopting 5 kids at once...go figure!), but being available when God called was, much like Mary, one of the best decisions we've ever made.

And so this Christmas, in the midst of busyness and sickness and holiday folderol I want to stop and say the same: I am the Lord's servant. I don't know what that will look like, but I do know it means being open to being pulled in the directions that He chooses. That might mean getting involved with people who need to see His love this season, or it might mean focusing on instructing the kids in what's eternal and what's of this world. Whatever it looks like, He must increase and I must decrease.

If you've read this far, Merry Christmas, everyone!

Words of 2020

I've always been a "word of the year" type gal. When I wrote a new year goals post this past January, I talked about how I was looking forward to 2020 being the year when I challenged myself. How little did I know just how true that would turn out to be. Only I didn't challenge myself...the world challenged me.

Photo by Sincerely Media on Unsplash

As we come to the end of this year of change and turmoil, I decided to spend some time thinking about the words that actually summed up the year. In an interesting twist, I didn't expect there to be so many good words included in my list. 

Release - the release of busyness, of fear, of holding on to things that were no longer helpful or best for me or for our family. 

Community - this was a surprise to the introvert, but I discovered the importance of people, and the power of friendships - even when they are formed through WhatsApp chats.

Surrender - of my plans, my goals, my dreams, for myself, for the kids, for our world. While my inner control enthusiast was busy screaming, God was reminding me that He's in charge.

Strength - I discovered that, with God's help, I was stronger than I thought, and could do things that had previously felt impossible...like homeschooling five kids.

Togetherness - if you'd asked me last January if I would survive being with all five kids, 24/7, with no built in breaks while they are at school and I could work, I would have told you, "No way!" As it turns out, this forced time together has done wonders for our relationships, and I now view it as a gift...most days. ☺

But it wasn't all happiness, sunshine, and light. I mean, anyone who has gone through this year knows that 2020 threw more than its fair share of curve balls. So words like Grief, Tired, Change, Frustration, and Anger also made my list of words. But even in those seemingly negative responses, there was still growth and learning (another word of 2020), and I can now look back - even on those hard times - and find reasons to be thankful. 

If there was ever a year for keeping track of what I was thankful for, 2020 was the year. I suspect that in one year, five years, 10 years, I'll look back on Facebook memories from this season, and be reminded that it wasn't all bad. No year is, just as no year is all good. Every year has the potential to be challenging—maybe not on a global scale, as we saw over the last 12 months—and every year has the possibility of changing us. It's up to us whether we embrace that change, or expend our energy trying to keep everything the same. Which, spoiler alert, never works. 

What will 2021 hold? Only God knows! And I've just about decided that's the way I like it. Don't tell my inner control enthusiast, though...she'll freak out again. 😉

The Year of More

It's no secret to anyone that 2020 has not been the banner year that everyone thought it would be. One year ago, people were looking forward to this year with all kinds of grandiose expectations. It was a new decade, a time to stretch and grow, an opportunity to take on new challenges and try new things. The funny thing is - that's exactly what it ended up being...for us all, just not on our terms. We were faced with challenges that we never saw coming. We were forced to try new things that were not at all in our plans. We were stretched to the max, and growth inevitably came from that. 

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

In January 2020, we started talking about moving all the kids to the same private school. My freelance work was flourishing, and if we cut corners elsewhere, it looked like we could just manage the cost of that change. Having them all at one school would mean less driving for me, a simplified schedule, and the opportunity to get them all into the same routine. It seemed like the perfect plan, and so we began the process of applying and waiting to see if there were spots available in their respective classes. One week before the country began shutting down, just days before the kids came home from school for spring break...and stayed home, I received a phone call informing me that a spot had opened up for our final child, which meant all five were in. We were set. I paid the fees, keeping a wary eye on the storm clouds, and trusted that if this is where God wanted the kids, He would continue to open doors. Meanwhile, in the back of my mind, something was nagging me. 

By the end of spring break, the official ruling was that the kids were to stay home through the first of April. My gut told me, even while the schools insisted that it was temporary, they were home to stay. You know the rest of the story. School went online, parents scrambled to figure out how to turn empty corners into classrooms, and toilet paper suddenly vanished from the shelves. By the time April 1st rolled around, I could see the writing on the wall as my freelance contracts dried up, and that persistent nagging in my head got louder. When I officially lost my biggest client (the one that would pay for the kid's schooling) in mid-April, it didn't take long to see that the choice to homeschool had just been made for me. It was the very idea that I'd been fighting for the four years since our adoption...and now it was my only option.

Stretched to the max moments like that often turn into defining moments. The monuments in life that you look back on and say, "Wow...that changed everything." Instead of being in a position where I was comfortable in my field and confident in my knowledge, I was treading water in the deep end of the pool. Not only did I need to figure out legal requirements, I needed to come up with a curriculum and lesson plans, an online option for our high school sophomore, and wrap my head around the idea of being a full-time teacher, when I'd hated every education class I took in college. Not only was I, as an introvert, adjusting to having five kids at home with me all day long, but I was also responsible for making sure they could read, write, and pass 6th grade math. These things were not in my plans last January, but then neither was owning a Christmas-themed face mask.

There are 16 days left in this year, and I know people are counting down because they're sick of this year and all the changes it's required. But you know what? Every new year we all talk about the changes we want to make, how we want to try something new, get out of our ruts, or slow down and enjoy the simpler things of life. We may have hated this year, but 2020 forced us to do ALL of those things, and more. Our family dynamics totally changed as we spent more time together. Of course there were growing pains, and yes, we got sick of one another, but we also learned more about what makes each one of us tick. We discovered new ways to spend our days. We enjoyed slower mornings, longer lunches, later bedtimes, and spontaneous family movie nights. Instead of always rushing to be at the next event or school function, we read longer and played more. We made do with what we had (like Gorilla gluing the leaks in our existing pool when there was no replacement to be found), paid closer attention to how many paper towels and how much toilet paper we used, and realized the importance of community. Rather than 2020 taking something from us, we discovered it became our year of more. 

More time together.
More focus on what really mattered.
More appreciation for the things we took for granted before.  

2021 might be better, it may be worse, or it could be a continuation of the year we've just had. But no matter what, it's probably time to change the mindset of "when will it end" and start giving thanks for all the opportunities for growth that have come about because of it. As for me? Well, I just ordered all the books for my kids to move ahead to their next grade levels, because we can, and I'm anticipating 2021 being another year of MORE. More challenges. More growth. More love. More memories. More new experiences. More opportunities to be stretched to the max, and discover how much more there is for us to learn. 

How about you? Are you ready for MORE?

Don't Let the Darkness Overwhelm

This was shared this on my personal Facebook page earlier today, but I thought it was worth turning into a blog post as well, since I'm not friends with all of my readers. 

After getting the kids in bed last night, the Hubs and I sat down and had a long conversation that left both of us like this 🤯🤯 by the time we were done. So many questions and unknowns, so few answers. 

As very logical, rational people (see: #INTJ 😏), the current state of the world is...frustrating, to say the least. When a child asked me (again) yesterday, when this was all going to end, and I had to tell her that I honestly didn't know if it would, I felt a momentary sense of panic over the idea of living like this forever. I may not know what the future looks like, but what I DO know is that #iamthankful to know the One who holds the future -- no matter what happens.

And now...the soapbox. 😁 🧼

"...the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly: it is dearness only that gives every thing its value." ~ Thomas Paine

We have friends in the travel industry who are facing unemployment if things don't change. We are surrounded by teachers who are trying to figure out how to do their jobs when the job description keeps changing on a daily basis. Our Facebook feed shows an ever widening gap between those who are shouting "wear the mask!" and those who are asking "why?"

In 1858, while accepting the Illinois Republican Party's nomination for US senator, Abraham Lincoln famously quoted Mark 3:25: "A house divided against itself, cannot stand." And then went on to say:

"I believe this government cannot endure permanently half slave and half free. I do not expect the Union to be dissolved — I do not expect the house to fall — but I do expect it will cease to be divided. It will become all one thing or all the other."

IT WILL BECOME ALL ONE THING OR ALL THE OTHER. Did you catch that?

I don't know what the future looks like, but I know this: we cannot continue on as we are. The divide is widening. Economics 101 demonstrates that economies cannot withstand a long-term shutdown. And while everything in me is screaming, "Come, Lord Jesus!" I also know He may tarry another thousand years or more, because He "wants everyone to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth." (1 Peter 2:4) 

And while I want out of this crazy world, more than that I desire to pick up my cross (die to self) and follow Jesus. Or rather, I desire for that to BE my desire. #HonestINTJ Christ's heart is for people, and therefore, mine must be as well. #HeMustIncrease

Masked friends and unmasked friends, those who vote straight (R) and those who push every (D), the ones who listen to NPR and those who feed on Fox News, please hear me when I say this: politics and politicians divide us, but our humanity connects us.

Friends, whether you have a "Biden 2020" or a "Keep America Great!" sticker on your car, if I see you broken down on the side of the road, I'm going to stop and make sure you're okay. Whether you're wearing a BLM or a Confederate flag t-shirt, if your house burns down, I will gladly give what I can to help you get back on your feet. The human world is hurting and angry and in pain...but there is Hope. And it doesn't come from Washington, and it doesn't come from government, and it doesn't even come from the good ol' American "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" mentality. The Hope for this world submitted to death on a cross in order that we might have eternal life.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep." (John 10:10 & 11)

"Therefore He is able also to save forever those who draw near to God through Him, since He always lives to make intercession for them." (Hebrews 7:25)

"We have this hope as an anchor for our lives, safe and secure." (Hebrews 6:19)

No matter who wins in November (and either way, it doesn't really feel like a win at this point, in my opinion, because the country is still sinking and the divide is growing), no matter where you worship (at home or in person), what you wear on your face (or don't), or how you feel about homeschool vs. social distancing vs. pods schools, your stance on gun control or gay marriage...this truth remains: through Christ, we have the option of abundant Life. For eternity. Christ has the power to turn your world right side up, even as the world around you is spinning out of control. And I guarantee that you will not find that offer on the ballot in 2020.

Can I help you? All you have to do is reach out. Message me, text me, leave a comment. I am here if you want to know more about the Hope that I have, and I'm here if you need encouragement. I'm here if you need food or just want a listening ear. We may disagree on everything, but that doesn't mean I don't care about you as a person. Okay? Good. Happy Tuesday.