Let's Talk About Compromise...

In this year of the unknown, I've set several smaller goals to focus on: personal, physical, and spiritual. In addition to reading the stack, I'm choosing to make healthier eating choices and pay closer attention to my compromises with the world, the little things that slowly erode the foundation over time. Compromise is the common denominator among these three—the choice to waste time online or make progress in my stack of books, to indulge my craving for sweets or drink another glass of water, to actively obey God's commands rather than following after what the world says is okay. It all comes down to choices.

Photo by Nathan Boadle on Unsplash

Choices. We make them every day. I've been a Christian for most of my life, and in that time I have knowingly turned a blind eye on a lot. Whether it was towards my sexual purity as a teenager or my mental purity in what films and television shows I watched as an adult, I have not always walked the paths of the Lord, or considered His counsel. I have been judgmental when I should have been introspective and contrite. I have sought to follow Christ...while keeping a foot (or feet!) firmly planted in the world. 

About a decade ago now, God started convicting me in many of these areas, and change began to take place, despite my protestations that "it wasn't really that bad!" I recall the time when I loaned our complete set of James Bond films to a young man, later regretting our choice as we thought about what he would be seeing—hardly edifying for a young, single, male with intentions of remaining sexually pure until marriage. For that matter, when the Hubs and I watched 007, we excused the language and violence, but most importantly, we excused the flagrant sex with multiple partners and Bond's self-indulgent usage of women, because as as a married couple, "it didn't bother us." Oh how blinded we were! 

Over time, I've realized that things that I enjoyed for the first 30+ years of my life—movies, music, even some books—now hold little interest, and things that I found humorous no longer make me laugh, as I consider the ways in which they contradict what God declares to be holy and good. And yet, despite the growth, including purging our extensive film and television DVD collection, the little compromises have continued. Sure, we traded in our 007 adventures for credit at a local shop, and we purged most of the movies where they misused the Lord's name, but there were still the odd few that we just couldn't bring ourselves to ditch. 

Little compromise by little compromise, the world and it's point of view sneaked into my daily life. During the holidays I noticed it in many of the Christmas songs that I've always enjoyed and sung along to, even classics like, "Baby It's Cold Outside." It first caught my attention when I heard the kids singing along, and I started thinking about the words of the song and what it was advocating. I have four girls. Do I really want them thinking, even subconsciously, that letting a man talk them into doing something they know is wrong, is actually okay, just because it's cold outside and he's a smooth talker? There will always be excuses beyond weather, but is this what I want them to listen to and accept as normal? I have a son as well. Are these the kinds of ideas I want him to go into his teenage years with, that to sweet talk a girl into compromising on her integrity is a cool thing?

You may be sitting there thinking, "Come on, Carrie. Really? It's just a song! Don't put too much focus on it!" But that's the point, and that's where God has really been leaning on me in the last few weeks - that one compromise leads to another. It's all the little things, the seemingly harmless bits, that sneak in the quickest and take root in our hearts and minds. Titus 2:12 reminds us that the grace of God, through His offer of salvation, "teaches us to say 'No' to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age." If we want to live and look like Christ, then we must first pay attention to the little compromises that we make without even thinking.

Food for Thought:

Do you have "little compromises" in your life that need to be squashed?

What's My Motivation? Lessons in Humility from the Sick House

For the last two weeks, I've been playing Nurse Ratched...er, I mean, Florence Nightingale, to five different family members, including my poor Hubs, who came down with various forms of fevers, chills, coughs, sinus issues, and general illness that kept them quarantined to different rooms of the house for days on end. While they worked on getting better, I worked on keeping everything going, running children who were well to and from school, staying on top of my work assignments, getting meals on, checking temperatures and doling out medicines, doing the bedtime routines single-handed, and generally rushing around like a chicken with my head cut off before falling into bed to do it all again the next day. It's been hectic, to say the least, but it's also been a fantastic opportunity to do some soul searching about my motivation.

You see, after the first week of caring for everyone, I found myself in a heated disagreement with my sick husband over the lack of appreciation for all that I was managing to do for him, as well as our five kids. I felt underappreciated and taken for granted, and I expressed that in no uncertain terms. The outcome was anger and tears, eventual nose blowing, and finally sucking it all up and realizing that I did, in fact, have the wrong motivations. While the Hubs was working on finding joy in his sickness - something God's been teaching both of us - I realized that I had a hard time serving without recognition. I wanted to be acknowledged for my service, and seen for my ability to juggle so many balls in the air at one time. I wanted someone to say "thanks" or tell me I was doing a good job and that I deserved to treat myself to a specialty $5 coffee for all of my sacrifices on behalf of others. In other words, despite caring for others, I was still totally self-absorbed.

Once I came to this realization last Sunday, week #2 of sickness was a different story. You see, my outlook had changed. My perspective was no longer as the poor martyr, suffering in silence as I took care of the myriad of jobs that needed to be done, but that of a wife and a mother, pulling up my big girl panties and doing what was necessary. Half-way through the week I shared this change in perspective with my mother and then my long-suffering husband. I was suddenly struck by the pathetic nature of my complaints. Sure, they were long days, and yes, I felt pulled in many different directions, but at the end of those days I was still sitting in a comfortable home, able to whip up dinner in a Crock-Pot or even pick up pizza using a gift card I'd been saving for just such a time.

Despite what I wanted to think of as my hardships, I finally had to admit that I wasn't Ma Ingalls. I wasn't following my husband West in a covered wagon, facing starvation, wild animals, and yellow fever while helping him build our one room cabin by hand or living in a dirt dugout along the riverbank. I didn't have to go out and trap my own food and skin it, or save seeds to grow a garden and hope something survived the swarms of locust. No, indeed! I was a 21st century working mom, married to a man who normally goes above and beyond to help out when he's not stricken with fever and snoring on the couch. I had access to easy meals, live within walking distance of a Starbucks, and am able to hand out Tylenol when fevers spike. In other words, I needed to suck it up, buttercup. 

And that started me thinking about how often I incorrectly view perceived hardships and trials. Trials, in fact, being much on my mind over the last month. How often are the trials that I complain about, in fact, messes of my own making that I've either put myself into by my poor choices, or made into a mountain when they should be a molehill? Probably more often than I care to admit - to you, or even to myself. Whatever happened to denying myself in order to pick up my cross (a method of torture and death) and follow Jesus? How could I possibly justify my quest for recognition and praise when Paul tells us in Galatians that we ought to serve one another, humbly in love, not gratifying the desires of our flesh? Or Christ's command that he who wants to be greatest shall be a servant of all? Servant of all...I didn't even want to be a servant to six! 

As I type this, all who have been ill in our house are now well on their way to recovery and back out in the land of the living (which, in this instance, means allowed out of their rooms and back at the dining room table with the others). I, however, am still pondering the selfishness and wrong thinking that God revealed to me over the last two weeks. While they have all recovered health and moved on, I have a feeling that my trek is just beginning, but the outcome, Lord willing, will be one that makes a long-term difference. Here's to serving the Lord with joy, no matter what the situation.

Be Anxious for Nothing (The REST of the Story)

Last year I began to share my journey through anxiety and panic, but shut down when people lashed out because I chose a different path to deal with it. No matter how many caveats and disclaimers I added to the blog posts or social media shares, those who disagreed with me (yet didn't know me, or my situation) felt the need to put in their 18 cents and argue against my own personal experience. Honestly, I wished that I had never started talking about it at all. But as another year passed, and as God has continued to work on me, I realized that sharing what He has done for me - whether other people approve of the methods or not - is never a mistake. So for what it's worth, here's the rest of the story...

You may recall that my anxiety took me by surprise, having never experienced anything like it before. You may also remember that after meeting with my physician to make sure there wasn't anything physically wrong, I began taking steps towards recovery that included spending many hours in prayer, digging into God's Word, and - eventually - reading a whole bunch of A.W. Tozer. If you don't know who A.W. Tozer is, you can click here to read a short bio of his life, but for me it's not about Tozer - the great writer, but Tozer - the man who points people to God. God placed his work in my life at a time when I was unknowingly seeking a deeper relationship with Jesus, and his words led me down a path that I had been missing.

In November of 2014, the Hubs started saying to me, "I've been listening to this audio book that I got for free. It's by a guy named Tozer, and I think you might really like it." Now, the Hubs never recommends books to me, and in general we have different tastes in the types of literature that we read, so I ignored his suggestion. But he kept bringing it up (which was also unusual), until I finally gave in and ordered the paperback version of The Attributes of God (Vol. 1). As my panic worsened in December, I found myself unable to do most of the activities that I had always used to relax and escape from the stresses and pressures of life - watching (Christmas) movies, reading mysteries, scrolling through Pinterest. Even sitting in church became a nightmare! I found myself battling against full blown panic attacks while those around me belted out Christmas hymns, and I became an expert at bolting out the door as soon as the pastor closed his final prayer. Everything that had previously brought me pleasure now incited overwhelming fear. Everything, that is, except God's Word and Tozer's book. 

As we passed through the Christmas season, I spent my days curled up in a chair in our living room with my Bible, The Attributes of God, and a notebook. In general I am a fast reader, but it took me a month to read through The Attributes because I kept bursting into tears, overwhelmed by my small view of God. My prayer and gratitude journals during that time are filled with confessions of my own sense of control, my cry to God to be my stronghold, my lists of anxious thoughts and irrational fears.

What is it that makes you happy? What cheers you up and gives your morale a lift? Is it your job? Is it the fact that you have good clothes? Is it that you've married well or have a fine position? Just what is it that brings you joy? That's our trouble. We know that God is so vast that in comparison everything is just the size of a hazelnut. And yet we're not happy people because we've got our minds set on things. We multiply things, and we increase things and put our confidence in things and God. We have our job and God; we have our husband and God; we have our strong body and God; we have our good job and God; we have our home and God. We have our ambition for the future and God, and so we put God as a plus sign after something else. {A.W. Tozer - The Attributes of God, God's Immensity, pg. 28 & 29}

It was during this season that God stripped me of everything that I had unknowingly come to rely on instead of Him, the biggest shock coming when I realized that I had put my husband in the place of God in my life - which I confessed to my Father and asked the Hubs to forgive. As much as he wanted to help, in the midst of my panic attacks, my sweet husband could do nothing to comfort me. His embrace did not make me feel safe, his prayers did not calm my soul, his rational explanation of my physical response did nothing to alleviate my anxiety. When I saw my choice to look to him for my security rather than rely upon God, I was a sobbing, crumpled mess, begging God to forgive my pride and arrogance, my ignorance and foolishness, and to take His rightful place back at the core of my heart. And, my friends, He did. 

In His awesome faithfulness, He began to take my brokenness and remake me. It took time - months, in fact - but God allowed me to see the bigger picture. I stood in awe of His might and power, of His authority and His love. I realized that I had unwittingly put God in a small, convenient box of my own making, one that fit my view of Him. Of course He was God, and yes, He played a large role in my life, but I was still holding onto control of other segments. Or, rather, I held onto the illusion of control. As God did His work in me, I slowly realized that I controlled nothing at all. From something as simple as going out to dinner (and being paralyzed by fear in the parking lot) to relinquishing control on the adoption process that we were in the midst of, God reminded me that my job is to follow His lead, not to attempt to lead Him where I wanted to go. Letting go of control was hard - and can still be a challenge - but it was necessary to move to the next step of recovery.

It's been almost five years since my first panic attack, and I can't remember how long since my last one. Months, at least. On the rare occasion that panic comes for a visit, it usually happens when I have strayed away from fellowship with my Father. When the days are long and the busyness overwhelms the introverted me, when I've set my eyes on my own plans, looking inward rather than upward, then the squeeze of panic begins. Sometimes it manifests itself through unexpected tears (and I'm not a crier, so I hate this, of course!), sometimes it's just unexplained fear. But now I am armed with an arsenal of Scripture, a group of praying friends who are just a text away, and the knowledge that I can let go - must let go, in fact - so that God will increase in my life. Because when He increases, there is no room for the self-focus that drives fear. Yes, I did it without a counselor, yes, I did it without medication, but no, I did not do it at all - I surrendered because I could do nothing else, and God met me with open arms. 

I don't know your story - just as you really only have a limited understanding of mine - but I do know our God, and I know what He is fully capable of doing, as long as you are willing to let go and trust Him completely. What I learned as a result of my experience is that God is sufficient. He is, in fact, more than enough. It is not God who must become more powerful - He already is all-powerful - but I who must acknowledge His power. Fear and panic are not choices - I know this well enough after all the times when I tried to rationalize my way out of them - but surrendering to God in the midst of it, is. I'm thankful for the way God used A.W. Tozer's book on God's attributes to show me my limiting view of Him. I'm grateful for every moment of panic, every fear-filled day, and every gut-wrenching sob that I experienced, because without them, I would still be comfortable in my complacency. God can, and does, use the difficulties of this life to draw us back to where we can best see Him, and for that there are not enough words of thanks. 

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our heart by the Holy Spirit who He has given us. {Romans 5:2-5}

Online Weekend Reading: Introverts, Businesswomen, Lists

Happy Friday! I found so many fun/interesting links this week that I already have next week's post filled up! I love weeks like that, when there's so much to learn. It hasn't all been fun/uplifting news online this week, but that's why I want to share what I've found that's good. Enjoy your weekend!

I've always known I was an introvert (who can fake extrovert of a period of time before needing to remove myself from humanity to recharge), so this article by Jessica Hullinger was SPOT. ON. If you work with an introvert, live with an introvert, or are an introvert - especially if you find yourself in a job where you need to network - read it. http://theweek.com/articles/540698/introverts-guide-conference-networking

• Favorite Quote: "Want to make an introvert cringe? Tell them they're going to a business conference. Introverts thrive on alone time. So what could be more stressful than being stuck in a hotel with hundreds of strangers with whom you're expected to interact?"

What I love about Laura Vanderkam's writing is that she isn't all, "Women should focus on a career and skip the family" (she has 4 kids), nor is she, "You're a mom, stick with raising kids and forget your old life" (she's written 3 books). She's finding a happy medium, and sharing the stories of successful women who have done the same in her new book, I Know How She Does It, and this article on Fortune (dads - this one's for you too!): http://fortune.com/2015/06/06/women-with-big-jobs-and-big-families-balancing-really-isnt-that-hard

• Favorite Quote: "Once you acknowledge that it’s physically impossible to be everywhere, you release yourself from that script, and instead embrace one that allows you to be where it’s most important for you to be, at work and at home."

And since I'm on a Laura kick, yes, this next article is covering the ideas in I Know How She Does It as well, but it's worth the read because the tips are different, and applicable to anyone who is trying to find a work/family/life balance. http://www.bustle.com/articles/88417-13-ways-to-find-work-life-balance-without-going-totally-insane-while-realizing-you-had-more-free

• Favorite Quote: "You don’t win points in the game of life for working through vacation and personal days if you wind up burned out as a result."

It seems like everyone is sharing their list of recommended reading this summer, including Ann Mah, one of the authors I read for the first time in 2014. Since I enjoyed the books she wrote (particularly Mastering the Art of French Eating), several of these titles are now waiting their turn on my nightstand. http://annmah.net/2015/05/27/summer-book-list

• Favorite Quote: "Any of them would be the perfect companion for a lazy afternoon."

And finally, next week is our 15th wedding anniversary, and we've often talked about how no one should be allowed to register for wedding gifts until their 5th wedding anniversary - people have NO idea what they're going to actually use, ourselves included. This is a fun post for anyone who's registering now, or for those of us who look back and think, "Was I really deluded enough to think I would make pasta from scratch?!" http://www.thekitchn.com/the-5-kitchen-wedding-registry-gifts-we-still-use-10-years-later-and-those-we-dont-life-in-the-kitchen-219902

• Favorite Quote: "Tastes change."

*   *   *   *   *

Question: what would  you register for again - or skip?

We're Just Getting Started...

Fourteen years ago, two young people (one a wee bit younger than the other...), stood before a minister, wedding party, and a small crowd of friends and family, and made their vows to God to love, honor, and cherish each other, until death did them part. The theme song from Indiana Jones ushered them down the grass aisle and into a life that has certainly been anything but dull. For this couple in the "getaway car" - life was just about to get interesting.

From the coast of New England to the hills of East Tennessee and the frozen tundra of Alaska, from the plains and deserts and mountains of Africa to the jungles of Indonesia - together we have traveled and explored, experienced frustration and faced the dissolution of expectations. For fourteen years we have done our best to listen to the Holy Spirit and follow the Lord's leading, and while most people would look at our lives and say we've already done so much, I'm betting that the next fourteen years are going to be some of the busiest and most interesting yet. As the Lord leads us into unknown territory, there is absolutely no one I would rather do life with than the man that I wake up next to each and every day.

Happy Anniversary to Us.

New to the blog? Read Our Story.

He's Still Working On Me

Last week was rough. A couple of friends got stressed out Facebook messages, my husband got a lot of texts (because he's swamped at work and has been for a year), and I did a bit of sobbing onto my keyboard while I tried to get my act together.

After a washout on Wednesday, I woke up Thursday with the attitude that it was a new day with new opportunities to try again. How quickly I gave up on optimism. Within five minutes of sitting at the computer I felt my blood pressure start to rise, and I may have yelled at my laptop screen and pounded the desk.

The good news is that in the last 13 years, I have taken great strides towards getting my temper under control, and I've gotten quicker at recognizing the pricking of the Holy Spirit in the moments when I lose it. I recognize my own bad behavior and acknowledge that the best course of action is to not retaliate in the moment, but to calm down and say as little as possible rather than say something I will regret later. I am most definitely a work in progress.

It's no coincidence that my control over my temper has improved in the last 13 years, because that's the same amount of time I've been married. Rather than accepting the excuses that I offered, "It's not my fault, you made me angry, it's hereditary, I can't help it," he helped me see that a natural tendency to flare up is no excuse for giving in to that feeling and acting on it. As my mother would say, well shoot fire! It killed me to admit it, but I knew he was right. And I'm so thankful that he called me on it, rather than letting me continue to get away with it.

But just because I've gotten better, doesn't mean that I never goof or get angry. It does mean that I handle it better in front of the outside world, and even (most of the time), in the privacy of our home, but last week, I did not. After I gave into my short-fused temper tantrum, I sent a text to the hubs, fully expecting him to justify my behavior. He responded by jumping right to the heart of the issue and calling me on the carpet for the pride that was behind my anger. Ouch. The truth hurts.

God gives all Believers the Holy Spirit to help guide them through life and convict and instruct them using Scripture. And while there are no words to express my gratitude for the Holy Spirit's faithfulness to use Scripture to convict me, I am also exceedingly thankful that God saw fit to give me a spouse who shares my faith, and doesn't shy away from telling me what I don't want to hear.

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, 

just as in fact you are doing.

{1 Thessalonians 5:11}

Thankful For :: Week 7

Lessons learned this week: 
Life doesn't always go as planned
I never get tired of Chick-fil-A waffle fries
It feels good to walk, even when I really don't want to do it

This week, I am thankful for:

1271. Coffee

1272. Reminders that what we have doesn't actually belong to us

1273. The opportunity to tell our house payoff story to a stranger on the phone

1274. Mrs. Meyer's Clean Day hand soap

1275. My sister (her birthday was this week)

1276. The opportunity to edit for pay

1277. Being able to work from home (I never get tired of that!)

1278. Happy, grateful clients

1279. God's faithfulness to Peter and me over the years - for bringing us together

1280. For our Valentine's dinner at Chick-fil-A!



Nothing says "romantic" like having your picture taken with a cow! 
Chick-fil-A provided the chocolate covered strawberries - yum!

What are YOU thankful for this week?

Happily Married How To

When Peter and I became engaged, he was 24...and I was 17. People thought we were nuts. And they thought that my parents were nuts for allowing it. It would never last. We'd never make it to the wedding. And if we did, the marriage wouldn't last.

They didn't know us.

We got married the following year at the ripe old ages of 25 and 18. Peter was, of course, of marrying age, but no one who gets married at 18 knows what they actually want, right? WRONG. In some cases, of course, that is true, but every person, situation, and relationship is different. When I said "I DO" at 18, I knew exactly what I was promising. It was, at times, scary and overwhelming when I stopped to ponder the magnitude of my decision, but I never questioned it.

In the 16 years that I have known Peter, I have never met a better man. Never once seen someone and thought, "I wonder what life would have been like if I had waited to get married...maybe met Mr. X." In fact, with each passing year (and we'll be celebrating anniversary #13 in June), it becomes more and more apparent that God uniquely designed us for one another.

It hasn't always been easy. In fact, for reasons which I will not share, the first few years of our married life were filled with difficulties big enough to split up many couples. But when I vowed to love and honor Peter, in sickness and in health, for better for worse, I wasn't just making that promise to him, I was vowing it to the Lord, and that is not something that either of us took lightly. (If you want to know what got us through those first few years, read THIS)

Throughout the years, we've made a few "simple" changes that help make our marriage run smoothly. Though not perfect (we are forgiven, yet still struggle with the old sin-nature), we rarely fight, we never stay mad, and we never get tired of each other. Of course, you know the old adage, "never go to bed angry", which is certainly something that we practice and believe in, but it takes more than one rule or practice to make a marriage work. Below are what I like to call, 5 Simple Rules for A Great Marriage.

1. Never, ever talk about your spouse in a negative way to people outside your marriage. This includes sharing your intimate arguments with friends and family, talking down to your spouse in a group, or spouse-bashing with "the guys" or "girls". (Note: This does not apply to counseling, if you and your spouse are having problems - but I encourage couples to get counseling together, not separately - see #4.)
2. Let it go - it's not worth clinging to tiny details or being picky about who did what. Over the last 16 years, I have realized that I don't always remember correctly. But more importantly, even if I'm  99% sure my recollection is accurate, it's just not worth fighting over who forgot to put the milk back in the fridge. Most of our arguments start over something silly, so learning to let it go (on both sides) has made life so much easier. 
3. Hear what's important. How many times do we listen to our spouse, but we don't actually hear (read: take note, file for later, make a change) what's important to them. Our entire married life, Peter has been bothered by the state of the house. Full kitchen sinks, flat surfaces covered with piles, Mt. Vesuvius in the laundry room - these things bothered him, while I didn't notice them until someone was coming over. Late last year, I finally heard him. Now we have a tidier home, and a happier environment.
4. Be trustworthy - there is nothing that you can't talk to your spouse about. You married them. They've seen you naked, and you've seen them puking their guts out, and smelled them when the words "fresh as a daisy" do not come to mind. You've seen each other at your worst - so talk to one another! There are things that I can tell Peter, that I would never tell anyone else. Make your spouse your one confidant. And on the flip side, be worthy of that confidence. What your spouse tells you never goes beyond you - unless you talk about it first.
5. Be a team. People get married for various reasons, not all are good. Peter and I got married because we met, became friends, and finally decided it would be fun to hang out together forever. Imagine the best friend you've ever had...now imagine getting to hang out with them, every day, for the rest of your lives. BINGO. That's us. I realize not everyone likes their spouse that much, but that doesn't mean you can't work on it. When you are together, be together. Put the smart phone down, turn off the TV, ask about their day. In essence, date your spouse forever. When you were dating, you might have feigned interest in what they liked...do it again, only this time, don't fake it. Try to understand why it's important to them. Read a book about it, ask questions, engage and interact. In our house, there are no kids, but I believe that it's even more important to maintain your relationship as husband and wife, not just "Mom" and "Dad", when you do have children. Your kids will thank you. At 31 years of age, I'm still thankful when I see my (almost) 72-year-old parents, spending time together and still getting to know one another.   

I have often said that if something were to happen to Peter, I would be lost. It would literally feel like half of me was missing. And yet, because there are three components of our relationship, I could go on. Peter and I are two pieces, and then there is God, who is the glue that holds us together. Without Him and His work in our lives, I wouldn't have had the desire to change in these areas. So here's Rule #6: Invite God into your lives and into your marriage, and everything else will follow.

Is there a "rule" or guideline that has helped in your marriage?

Please share in the comments! 

The Love Checklist

As February begins, the cost of flowers increases, chocolates in heart-shaped boxes show up on store shelves, and thoughts of love - or a desire for love - are uppermost in the minds of many.

But consider this a warning: do not confuse the "love" of movies and cheap romance novels (even "Christian" ones) with the true love that comes from God. The love that we are commanded to show for friends and enemies alike. The love that is patient and kind and keeps no record of wrongs. Doesn't sound much like the commercialized Valentine's love, does it?

Instead of comparing your significant other to the fictional (key word) characters of book and film, consider instead your own role in your relationships with loved ones. And since Valentine's Day is almost upon us, let's think, specifically, about your attitude of love towards your spouse. The day-in/day-out, "why can't he/she remember to put his/her dirty socks in the laundry hamper instead of tossing them on the floor" kind of love.

Oh yes, it's easy to watch a film like Pride and Prejudice and say, "they just don't make them like Mr. Darcy anymore...", but keep in mind that "Mr. Darcy" was created by a British spinster. Of course he was the ideal man! If Mr. Darcy existed in real life, I guarantee that no matter how sweet he might be, he would also make foul smells, drop his socks on the floor, and disagree with you about how to spend money. That's real life. Don't confuse it with fiction.

Instead of focusing on how you wish your spouse/significant other would change, why not focus on how you can change to better love him/her? In 1 Corinthians 13, we find a checklist for love. Several years ago, our pastor shared a way that he used this passage to self-check his heart attitude, by inserting his name where the word love is written or implied. If he got to a line where he couldn't honestly say that he was [insert: patient, kind, not keeping a record of wrongs, etc.], he knew it was an area to work on.

It requires complete honesty with yourself, but I believe it's worth the effort. I encourage you to print the image below, save it as a desktop photo, and share it on Pinterest, Facebook, or Twitter. Use it as a daily reminder that it's God's job to change your spouse, it's your job to be sensitive to the changes that God wants to make in you.

This Valentine's Day, focus on God's definition of love, rather than the world's idea of it. I guarantee that as you allow God to change you, your romantic relationship will heat up as you begin to see your spouse as God desires you to see him/her - made in His image, and uniquely suited for you. Don't lust after the shallow, so-called "romance" that the world offers - embrace the heart-pounding, butterfly-giving, lifetime love for the spouse of your youth. It's worth the effort.

Thankful For :: 951 - 960

Twelve years ago, I was rushing around, mixing icing, thawing cakes, packing up my bedroom, and preparing to become a bride just six months after my 18th birthday. Twelve years ago, Peter was by my side, keeping me calm, doing what needed to be done, and making me laugh. Just like he still does.

I know people thought my parents were crazy for letting me get married so young, for allowing me to cut my "college experience" short, for "giving" me to someone seven years my senior. They thought I must have baby-fever (they didn't know me), they assumed I would never finish college (three years later, B.S. degree in hand), they decided Peter was just another Moody who married local and would never make it overseas (4.5 years on three continents, eight countries). I know there were skeptics who doubted it would last, who thought we were nuts, and who just couldn't understand what this 25-year old guy saw in an 18-year old girl. But we knew. There was never any doubt.

For the last twelve years, we have gone through the better, and the worse, the sickness, and the health, the richer, and the poorer. In twelve years, we've never spent a night apart, we still enjoy being together, and no one can make me laugh harder, longer, or more often than Peter. As we've grown as individuals, we've grown together as a couple. There's no telling what the next twelve years will hold for us, but there's no one I'd rather face them with, than that big smiley guy. We're a perfect match.

This week, I'm thankful for...

951. Twelve years of wedded bliss

952. Being married to a man who knows me better than I know myself

953. A husband who makes me feel beautiful, all the time

954. A God-centered marriage

955. All the fun and laughter, road trips, life overseas, the whole shebang

955. Ravi Zacharias's tape: I, Isaac, Take You, Rebecca

956. God's still, small voice

957. The gift of humor, for laughter, and for a husband who doesn't take himself seriously

958. The sense to wait on God and His timing

959. Getting married young and being saved from so much heartache

960. God's faithfulness in providing the perfect (for me) mate

What are YOU thankful for?

What Our TV Taught Us...

Most children who walk into our home for the first time are apt to ask the same two questions within minutes of their arrival: Where is your TV? Don't you have a TV?

The fact of the matter is, I grew up as a TV junkie. I spent hours every night, snuggled in my dad's lap while we watched Columbo, Andy Griffith, and the Cosby Show. Once cable arrived, we added John Wayne, Jimmy Stewart, and Bob Hope films to the list, and bedtime was often ignored so I could finish watching some classic western with my dad (much to the chagrin of my mother).

{Source}

A few years passed, but my need to watch the boob tube only increased. The Disney Channel was a favorite, back in the days when Disney only had one channel and they aired Zorro and the original Mickey Mouse Club on a daily basis. Every Monday night, I could be found downstairs with our family's second television set, poised to watch the newest episode of Avonlea, and our monthly Disney guide was filled with circled programs that I didn't want to miss.

Shortly after Peter and I moved to Boston, one of our first big purchases together was a 20-inch color Sony television. It was so big (or rather, Peter's car was so small) that we had to take the TV out of the box to get it in the back seat of his car. Since I lived in a dorm, Peter took the TV to his abode, and we spent week-ends watching movies.

Once we were married and living in middle Tennessee, our shiny TV took center stage in our living room. Peter hated that the furniture centered around the television, but I happily adjusted the rabbit ears every afternoon when I got home from class, and settled on the couch to enjoy an hour of Remington Steele before I had to pick Peter up from work.

{Source}

When we moved into our current house, the Sony migrated from the living room to the guest bedroom, and I spent a week glued to the TV in that tiny room after 9/11 happened. For a very brief time while I had the flu, Peter allowed it in our bedroom, but as soon as I stopped puking he moved it into the library, from which it was eventually removed to the basement.

You might be wondering how the TV changed from being the centerpiece of our living space to being hidden away in the bottom of our house. It all started with a fight. Many fights, actually, most of them occurring because I, a self-proclaimed TV addict, had married a self-proclaimed TV hater. Peter felt that there was nothing worth watching, and I opposed him and his opinions. Strongly.

The one thing that we agreed on was that we wouldn't spend money on cable. Despite our many financial failures, neither of us could justify spending $50 - $100 a month on TV. Because we relied on rabbit ears, I'm quite sure that my standards of what I would and would not watch went down. I simply had to watch TV - it was part of my identity.

Or I thought it was.

The change (in me) started during our tenure overseas, where we were limited in our TV viewing by three factors:

1) We had no TV set
2) There were no programs in English
3) English programs were so stupid that I literally felt brain cells dying as I stared at the screen

It was during our travels that Peter and I came to a compromise: I admitted that most of what was on TV today was anything but edifying and I could probably use my time in better ways, and he admitted that not all TV shows were an evil.

{Source}

In fact, we started watching some of our favorite childhood shows (Magnum, P.I., The A Team, Columbo) on DVD, and Peter realized that one of the things that irritated him so much about watching "live" programs, were all the commercial breaks. Take those out, and some programs could actually be enjoyable!

As for me? I discovered other ways of occupying my time - I fell in love with reading again, I took up knitting, I started this blog.

The other day, we were discussing the upcoming Olympic games and laughing about how it was the only time we ever used the TV anymore. Yes, the same 13 year old Sony CRT set. And then we paused, looking at each other, and realized how far we had come. Gone were the days when I would throw an adult-sized temper tantrum because I couldn't watch Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, when Peter felt like he was constantly competing against a box, when we were divided by something as stupidly simple as a television.

One of the lessons in marriage is giving up. Not giving up on your marriage, but giving up your pettiness, your selfishness, giving up those things that you cling to - thinking they make you uniquely you. I wasted a lot of time being mad at Peter over a man made object: The TV. But after 12 years - more than half of those being practically TV-free - I finally realized that listening to my spouse has made me a better, more well-rounded person. That's something the television set never did.

Love and Marriage

Thanks to my Nightstand posts, you've probably noticed that I've been re-reading the Anne of Green Gables series. Despite being 30 and having read the set more times than I can count, I still get a thrill when Anne and Gilbert finally get together. I remember as a young teenager, I desperately wanted the kind of love and friendship that Anne and Gilbert enjoyed. I wanted to marry my "chum" and be excited about going through life together, still feeling a thrill when I saw Mr. Unknown come in the door or walk into a room. It gave me an ache in my chest that I can't describe, but if you've ever wanted to be loved unconditionally by the opposite sex, then you know what I'm talking about.

If you've read Our Story, you know that I ended up doing just what I always dreamed of - marrying my best friend. In fact, much like Anne, I was devastated when Peter decided that he felt more than friendship for me, and I went so far as to tell him that he ruined everything. Thankfully, like the fictional Gilbert, he continued to hold out hope that one day I would change my mind, as it was settled in his that I was the only one for him. To this day, I don't know what he saw in my little sixteen year old self, but I'm so thankful that he stuck with me!

{Taken around the time he was falling for me}

Over the last fourteen years, we have lived, loved, and laughed our way through life. Our fights are rare, and when we do disagree, the arguments are brief and it isn't long before we're apologizing and moving forward. Dead cats aren't allowed in this house. {You know what a dead cat is, right? It's when you continue to bring up an issue or something someone did in the past - the more you bring it up, the stinkier it gets, much like a dead cat.}

As I read about Anne and Gilbert, I was struck by something that had not hit me in previous readings: continuing to be romantic takes work. In Anne of Windy Poplars, I realized that I missed that period of our early romance when we wrote actual letters back and forth to each other. I still have them all, tied up with a green ribbon and hidden away in a drawer for possible grand kids to find and marvel over.

Peter and I have always been comfortable with each other. There was never a period of time when we had to adjust to being together - we just fit each other. However, with comfort, complacency sometimes follows. Oh yes, we're affectionate and say we love one another, I get up each morning when he does (5 AM) and pack his lunch and send him off to work, but the romance was a bit stale. By the end of Windy Poplars, I decided that it was time to woo my husband again.

As I've mentioned before, when I decided that I would be willing to follow God's leading, even if that meant accepting the fact that Peter might be the one for me, I was greatly influenced by this quote from Ravi Zacharias's brother: "Love is as much an act of the will as it is an emotion, and if you will to love someone, you can." It came to mind again last week as I realized that I sometimes didn't make an effort to appreciate Peter because I just didn't feel like it. But feelings don't matter, and if I'm honest, I'll admit that it's nothing more than selfishness on my part when I am too lazy or too busy to get up and welcome him home after his 12+ hours at work.

And so I started taking action. Instead of using pen and paper, I began sending love emails and texts to him throughout the day, just to let him know I was thinking about him and that I missed him. I wanted him to know that I appreciated his hard work and his long hours and his never-ending good attitude. I wanted to express my desire for him and to let him know that he has always been, and will always be, the only one for me. In general, I've been scandalously flirting with him. When I'm home from work before he is, I make an effort to meet him at the door and welcome him home. Instead of settling for a normal "glad you're home" peck, we've revived memories of what it was like when we first started kissing - that "lost in the moment" kind of kiss. Talk about bringing back the romance of our early days!

So if you're married, here's my question to you: what do you do to actively keep the romance alive? Do you work on courting your spouse like you did when you were dating? Do you make time for each other and spend time talking about your long-term goals? Do you actively listen when they are talking about their day, or are you tuning them out and making a grocery list in your head instead? Do you make an effort to welcome him/her home from work or do you barely look up when they come in? Basically, are you selfless or selfish when it comes to your relationship with your spouse? I came across this quote from C.S. Lewis, and I thought it was pretty good food for thought considering the current topic:

 “Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.” ― C.S. Lewis

If you're not already making time to actively keep the romance alive in your marriage, I encourage you to do something this week that will take your spouse by surprise and put a smile on his/her face that you might not have seen there in a while. It's so worth the effort!

Valentine Musings

Do you know about the three step Valentine process?

Step 1: Get tired of not having someone special on Valentine's Day
Step 2: Find a significant other (it seems that anyone will do in some cases)
Step 3: Spend each Valentine's Day wrapped in each other's arms, sharing kisses, candle-lit dinners, flowers, chocolates, and other romantic gifts

Doesn't that sound nice? Now, let me give you a little reality check.

I remember that period of life (short though it was, in my case) when every Valentine's Day was a slap in the face that I had never had a boyfriend, and there was no one waiting in the wings to give me flowers and sweep me off of my feet. I remember feeling sad after watching Sleepless in Seattle (or any other chick flick), sitting there, longing to be held and no one around to hold me. Yes, it stunk.

Then I met Peter, and before you knew it, we were celebrating our first Valentine's Day together. He was a poor college student with $5 in his tight budget to use on a Valentine's Day celebration. We ended up at a local florist shop where we were told we could buy two heads of daisies for $3.50, and the remaining $1.50 went towards a chocolate rose. It was cheap, it was sweet, and it cemented the daisy as my favorite flower.

By the next year, we were engaged and living in Boston, with a slightly larger budget. Peter gave me two Godiva chocolates (13 years later, I still have the velvet rose from the top of the box) and my Valentine flowers came from Home Depot. Talk about smart thinking by the Home Depot! They had inexpensive cut flowers right by the check out, so the guys who forgot about it being the most romantic holiday of the year could get out of the dog house while they were picking up a box of nails - brilliant! We happened to be shopping together for a new drill, so I picked out my own flowers.

Fast forward another year: We're Now Married. Time for the ultimate Valentine's Day, right? Wrong-o. I can't for the life of me tell you what we did or how we celebrated, except I think I had the flu and I know that our newly purchased house was missing a few walls and a kitchen. {Did you hear that? It's the sound of romance...dying a slow, painful death}

Right from our married start, we decided to stay at home on Valentine's Day rather than fight the crowds at the restaurants. After a few years, I informed Peter that it seemed silly to pay inflated holiday prices and would he please skip the flowers, after all, I like flowers just as well in March or July. One of the best gifts from him was the year that he got me a new vacuum (which I'm still using). I bet that when lonely, single people picture the perfect Valentine's Day, they probably don't envision a sleek, maroon, dust-bunny sucker with detachable hose.

So where am I going with this? First off, if you're single and you want to be married so badly it hurts, I am sorry and you do have my sympathy. However, I was just thinking about it the other day and I realized that the majority of my childhood acquaintances are divorced, in the process of getting divorced, or have already moved on to their second (or third) attempt at happily-ever-after. It was a rather sad and sobering realization considering the fact that I'm only 30, and most of the people I thought of were younger than me. It makes me say to all those who think that they can't wait to be married: Don't be in a hurry and never, ever settle just so you can have someone for Valentine's Day!

I have friends who have stuck it out in less-than-perfect marriages, and others who married Dr. Jekyll and woke up sometime later with Mr. Hyde. Just because you think you've found Mr. Right, doesn't mean there aren't going to be difficult times. You may even find the man (or woman) of your dreams, only to have those dreams shattered when you find yourself alone as widow(er), and often, a single parent. I've known several of those as well. There are no guarantees in this life.

Here's the bottom line: if you're married, don't rely on one day a year to make you happy. There are 364 other days that you need to work on your relationship with your spouse. Make an effort to be romantic, make sure your spouse knows you're glad that he/she is home for the day, turn off the TV or get offline and spend time talking and dreaming about the future. Give her flowers for no reason. Pull out the honeymoon lingerie and surprise him when he walks in the door (or if you have kids, once they are in bed). Make an effort and HAVE FUN!

Happy Valentine's Day!!

Thoughts on Marriage

Last week I wrote a short post with some random facts about me. Everyone who commented had something to say about one of the two marriage facts I shared: not missing a night and candy (see what I'm talking about HERE). At any rate, it got me to thinking about marriage and things we've learned and things that have stayed the same since we first met and I thought I'd hit some highlights. If you're already married - feel free to read, scoff, laugh, disagree, or possibly have a light bulb moment. If you're not married, you should get out a notebook and take notes because, of course, I have all the answers. Kidding, kidding (sort of)...

Lesson 1: If you feel like you have to look perfect before he sees you, he's not the one. If you can show up at the door with your hair in curlers and tell him that you're seriously running late and you both find it funny, or if he surprises you while you're wearing sweats over your flannel pj's and neither of you bat an eye...you've probably found Mr. Right. There's a saying about women you might have heard, "If the barn needs painting, paint it." Marry the guy who doesn't care if the barn is falling down, let alone if it's painted or not.

Lesson 2: I've heard it said that you can't be fully comfortable with another person until several years have passed. I totally disagree. We were as comfortable together as your favorite pair of slippers, which is why we decided to get married. You know that guy that you would never think of marrying because he doesn't look like that "ideal" you've got in your head? The one you'll go bowling with and spit lemonade all over when he tells a funny joke and talk to for hours at a time because he doesn't give you that butterfly-in-your-stomach feeling? Marry him.

Lesson 3: Buy (or register for) a duel-control heated mattress pad and all those nights when you're freezing and he's burning up would be a thing of the past. I can't even count the number of times this conversation has gone on in our house: "Honey, turn the bed on, I'm freezing." "How can you be cold? It's 70 degrees in here?" Duel-control heated mattress pads: wedding gift of the future. I'm sure George and Jane Jetson had one.

Lesson 4: Discuss having kids before you get married and be realistic - babies mean work, lack of sleep, poop, drool, and mountains of laundry. People with kids (a.k.a. parents) would add that they are a joy and a blessing and they wouldn't trade them for the world - we'll take their word for it. We agreed to wait at least 10 years (now going on 11) and we still don't know if we want kids - but at least we're on the same page. That's the main point - whether you want kids or not, make sure both you and your spouse are in agreement.

Lesson 5: You're going to be wrong 50% of the time - deal with it. It is not humanly possible to be right 100% of the time despite what you might think, unless you chose to live by yourself forever and talk to no one. If you figure this out, it's going to make your life so much easier. I still remember when it finally clicked for me and I thought: "Really? Is it worth arguing about when he told me to [insert anything small and unimportant here]...or can I just let it go and agree that I don't remember or it doesn't matter?" When one of us started letting things go, the other one did too. It's weird how that works.

Lesson 6: You don't understand why he feels compelled to save stuff, and he doesn't understand why you need to buy more shoes. Being different can be a good thing. Because he pointed out my shoe fetish and imposed the one-in, one-out rule, I've actually gotten pickier about the shoes I buy and it has saved us money. Because I was tired of dead appliances piling up, he started removing the components he wanted to save and throwing the rest away. Since he actually uses the stuff, I'm cool with it. Moral of the Story: Listen to your spouse without getting defensive when they point out stuff - you might actually learn something and make a change for the better.

Lesson 7: Seven's the number of perfection, so this will be my last point. And it's important. {ah hem} Are you ready? Bodily functions happen...from both of you. Bath and Body Works has two big sales a year, so stock up on "stink good stuff" and use it when necessary. And learn to laugh...at yourself too. It's not like either of you ate something that later smells like it died because you wanted to get back at your spouse's nostrils.

Wouldn't you trust marriage advice from these people??

Fireproof Fun and Marriage Thoughts

Moment of honesty, are you ready? In general, I'm a big skeptic when it comes to Christian films. In my experience, they tend to be pathetic copies of secular stories, poorly written with bad acting and a small budget (The Ten Commandments - while not necessarily Biblically accurate or a "Christian film" - would certainly be a huge exception to this rule!). While I'm not overly excited about the 2008 movie Fireproof (for various reasons), I really appreciate that they thought outside the box in this "extra" from the DVD. In fact, I enjoyed this 60 second version of Fireproof much more than the full-length film. Enjoy!

Now that you have watched the 60-second version and you have heard my opinion of Christian movies, I want to make it clear that, despite the cheesiness of the film, I do appreciate the main point of the movie. When you make your marriage vows, it's for better or WORSE - at times it seems that no one grasps that concept anymore.

True story: "Joe" was in the process of getting a divorce. Joe's friend heard the reasons for breaking up and then listened as Joe went on to say that "he didn't sign up for this" (you know, the yucky, hard stuff). The situation was not conducive to further conversation, but the friend wanted to tell Joe, "Actually, yes, you did. On your wedding day. Remember saying, 'for better, for worse, in good times and in bad'? These are those bad times they were talking about that you committed to stick with her through." Commitment is something that isn't always easy - that's why it's called commitment! I'm thankful that I am married to someone who feels the same way about marriage that I do, but if you are not in that situation, or if you are considering packing it up - please do two things:

1) Watch Fireproof. Seriously. Yes, it's totally cheesy, but do it anyway. Yes, it is a movie, but I have actually known real life people who have done just what the movie portrays and have worked out their differences. One couple was separated, another couple was already  divorced and got remarried. It can happen. Pick up a copy of The Love Dare and work your way through it - together or on your own. 

2) Get counseling - and stick with it! If you don't attend church, ask friends or co-workers to help you find a pastor or a family counselor who can help. As much pain, anger, hurt, and heartache as you are experiencing, the issues won't magically go away if you get divorced or find someone "new".

If you're happily married - never take your spouse for granted. Make sure that you invest time in keeping your marriage on solid ground. Take time to continue to get to know each other as you age and change. I'll leave you with my favorite quote from Christian apologist Ravi Zacharias - the quote that changed my life forever in 1998:

"Love is as much a question [or act] of the will as it is of the emotion. And if you WILL to love somebody, you can."

--Ravi Zacharias, quoting his brother (who was about to enter an arranged marriage) 

What We Do For Fun on Friday Night

Some couples go on date nights, some head out to see a movie or have a nice romantic dinner. Others go to plays or dancing or spend an hour talking over some kind of high-end coffee drink at their local coffee house. What do we do? Well, apparently we just fool around, take pictures of it, and laugh our heads off while doing it! :-) We just got an Extra-Large Boat and Tote Bag from L.L.Bean and when it arrived we couldn't stop laughing at the SIZE of it! It was so BIG!! After laughing about that for a while, Peter got the idea that I should get INTO the bag and he could carry me around in it. Well, that certainly says something for the strength of the L.L.Bean bag! So the next thing you know we were setting up the camera and I was climbing into the bag and here you have the end result! :-)

Friday $avings: Learning How to Cook

There's just two of us...my hubby and me. When we first got married almost 10 years ago, I cooked like there were sixteen of us and apparently none of us liked good food. Thankfully, I married a man who loves to cook and he was able to help me learn how to cook meat and tell when the chicken was done and not to be afraid to try something - adding a spice or making do with what I had on hand.

After the first year of my cooking learning curve, I was confident in my ability to make certain dishes (which I called my "no fail food") and continued to make them ad nauseam. A couple of years of this and poor Peter finally requested that I enlarge my recipe options and make more than lasagna or Cranberry Chicken when we had company come over because he was tired of those dishes. My first reaction was anger and hurt, and then I realized that I was also tired of those dishes. Hmmm...

Skip ahead another year or two and we found ourselves living all over the world and trying to figure out what meals we could make with what was available and without breaking our very small bank account. :-) It was during this time (4.5 years) that I really learned about experimenting and breaking out of my normal cooking routine. I tried new foods, dealt with the flops, practiced "from scratch" cooking and baking, and worked on being a more flexible and well-rounded cook.

For the last year we have been living back in the United States - land of fast food and convenience. As we were both struggling with losing weight, we finally decided to try the South Beach diet, which meant I needed to rethink the way I cooked and what I purchased. No more cheap pasta and large bowls of rice. No more box mix desserts and Edy's Loaded Nestle Tollhouse Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream. No more fast snacks and sugar-filled breakfast foods. Fresh vegetables and dishes that had a heavy emphasis on meat were the order of the day. And so once again I have found myself transforming as a cook and figuring out ways to work the recipes that we love around the diet that we can eat at a price we can afford. And you know what? It's been fun!

Two weeks ago I looked into the freezer for dinner inspiration and saw a bag of frozen chicken breasts. As they had been in there for quite some time and I wanted to make room for other stuff, I pulled them out and thought about how I could fix these in a new way. I ended up chopping up some fresh tomatoes, onions, and green bell peppers, adding taco seasoning, cumin, and minced garlic, and after mixing it all in a bowl, I poured it over the chicken and baked it for an hour. YUM!

The next night I had leftover chicken with topping - but I didn't want to just serve the same thing. What to do? Taco soup! I pulled the chicken apart and dumped it into a pot with the remaining tomatoe/onion/pepper topping. Then I pulled a bag of frozen tomatoes (from the garden) out of the freezer and prepped those to add to the mix. I threw in some beans, more onions and peppers, and seasonings into the pot and let the thing simmer until Peter came home from work...it was a BIG hit.

OK, so if you're counting, that's two meals out of one, but I ended up getting 4.5 meals total! Once I added all the tomatoes and vegetables and beans to the chicken mixture, I had enough made for the meal that night, plus one container in the fridge and one container in the freezer (to pull out later), and each container is enough for a meal for the two of us. A couple of nights later we ate the leftovers that were in the fridge, and because I didn't finish mine, I ate the rest of it for lunch the next day...which really makes 4.5 meals!

I love foods that stretch, but I like to make them a little different each time so that we don't get bored eating the same old thing night after night. My dinner guests never know what they're going to get now, which is just the way I like it. Thankfully, I married a good teacher. :-)